faithful.

i’ve been asking the Lord lately,
‘what now?’

i’ve battled through one of
the darkest demons that held
me by the throat for sixteen years…
believing i was forever bound to the
darkness and hell of my eating disorder.

and i won.
my belief,
my hope,
and strength in Jesus
is what won…
the power that was given to me
through the cross
intertwined with the understanding
that i had a choice to choose
HIM above all else.

and i did.
and i continue to do so.

but that mountain seems behind me.
the joy and freedom have been
wonderful and sad and hard all at once.
but the biggest part is over.
the intensity of the fight has finally
calmed down
{because i do have to fight daily you know}.

and i’ve set my heart before the Lord
for months now;
hands open.
willing heart.
listening ears.
and have repeated the question:
‘now what?’

in this season,
where i am still single.
where my friends are all building
their lives with marriage and children
and homes and careers and ministry…
and i feel a bit left in the dust and overlooked.
this has been an incredibly lonely season,
yet i have oddly found such content in it.
and i’ve still asked Him
‘Lord, now what?’
i’m finally content being ALONE…
i never believed that day would come,
but now what?

and i keep hearing His quiet whisper.
‘be faithful to Me and me alone.’
and i’ve been trying to understand what
that looks like for me to be faithful to Him
in this season.
in this season where it’s so easy (actually for anyone)
to focus on everything i don’t have,
instead of what i do have.
it’s hard in this season to not focus on feeling
like something major must be wrong with me
for being single at this age and for
feeling my relationships shift and change way too much.
it’s hard not to focus on wishing and longing
for community in a specific way,
when oddly i think the social media community
we find is actually unattainable.
it is a longing that is genuine and pure,
yet i do not really think it exists like we believe
(and i’d love to be proven wrong on that).

i know He is asking me to be faithful,
because only He knows what’s coming.
only He knows where He has called me
and what He is preparing me for.
Only He knows what i need to be equipped for
in the future days that lie ahead of me.

and because of that,
i trust this lonely season.
i trust this road i’m walking
where only He and i know what is going on.
i trust my heart in His hands like never before.
i trust that He sees and hears me,
and is answering me.
i trust that i am incredibly capable of
hearing Him and choosing to respond how i do.
i trust that the people who sift in and out
of my life are for a reason and a season.
i trust that He is closer than i may realize
because i know i am not completely alone
even though most days it feels like it.

so wherever you are;
whatever season you’re in
whether the mountain top or
the valley lows…
the Lord is walking it with you.
He is the One leading if you let Him.
He is the constant companion and
where your hope should be.
whatever season you’re in,
just be faithful to Him.
it looks so different for every single
person,
but take that question before the Lord
and i know He will answer you.

i always choose to believe that there
is joy waiting at the end of all these
different roads i travel through.
He is simply building the foundation,
the endurance and the strength
for the next road ahead.

so lean into Him,
and trust the road you’re on…

again.

healing is a life-long process.
even though there are
pieces of my soul i have fully
surrendered,
the enemy knows us well.
he knows how to slip those
thoughts and things back
into our fingertips.

as the waves of sadness
and doubts came this week;
i chose to focus on them.
i chose to allow myself
to float in this sea of
grief and sadness.
i chose to feel the waves
pound over me again and again.

it’s been day four of these waves.
i’ve dreamt every night of them,
i’ve woken up in tears
with a heartache so deep,
i could see nothing through my tears.

and then He spoke.

i’ve kept asking Him
why? why this?
why these specific waves?
why this sadness?
i already surrendered it –
why am i back in it?

and in a calm and quiet way,
He slowed my heart down
and told me i needed these waves
to come and go consistently.
{which in my head i think is
SUPER crappy of Him to do!}

but i need them to come
because He wants to show me
He will bring me safely 
back to shore
again
and again
and again
and again.

He is not leaving me in the
violent waves to be mean.
He wants me to cry out to
Him,
and allow HIM to be my peace
in the midst of it,
and not only calm
the raging seas,
but to bring me back to shore.
to Him.
to His embrace.
to His safety.
to His presence.
to HIS LOVE.
to His grace.
to His peace.
to His J O Y.

my friends,
we are all riding out
our own waves,
and weathering our own storms;

but hear this tonight —
He will always be faithful.
His faithfulness is to YOU.

sleep well my friends.
may we always continue
to remember,
the waves will end,
and we will always be brought
back to the shore safely.

layers.

” life is like an onion, you peel it one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” 
             {carl sandburg}

i’ve mentioned the above quote
a time or two.
it is one of my all time favorites.

i’m all about digging deeper,
peeling back the layers
and discovering what’s underneath.
as we all know the last few years
have been a painful process-
just read my previous posts…

but last week i sat in my
therapists office–
we were at the end of my session
and i hadn’t even cried!
then all of a sudden
i looked up at her and said
“man. i sure have come a long way.
i am so proud of myself.”

then i sobbed.

happy tears. sad tears.
ALL. THE. TEARS.

then i realized,
healing is in layers too.
growth is in layers.
and we bloom in layers.
we become who we are
a little bit at a time.
it takes time to plant the seeds,
water them,
let the light shine on them,
water them some more…
but eventually the growth happens.
and just as a flower blooms…

so will i.

there’s beauty to be seen
as you step back and look
with awe and wonder
the road you’ve travelled on.
don’t be discouraged
if you’re in the middle of a storm…
those storms help you grow.

keep going friends,
brighter days are always coming.

enough.

the day before i left
for rehab,
i asked my sister to take
photos of me taking one
of the biggest steps in my life.

smashing the scale.
not one scale,
BUT TWO.

i weighed myself obsessively.
any time i walked into my room
i had to strip down,
take off any jewelry or hair ties
ALL of it,
and weigh myself.
even if i walked out of my room
and came back 15 minutes later.

then i would weigh myself
on my other scale.

it’s one of the twisted lies that
an eating disorder
continuously pulls you in.
but as they say,
the number on the scale is not
the value of your worth.
though i faithfully believed it did,
i am so glad i have been broken
from that lie.
though the number can still
be a struggle,
i don’t weigh myself that often.
i don’t try to connect it with food
or the value of my worth.

some people ask how i found freedom.
to be honest,
it was Jesus.
i HAD to come to a point
where i believed He was enough
to sustain every piece of my soul.
whether i have everything in the world
and feel i am in a good season in life;
HE is enough.
but even during the seasons where
i am stripped raw,
and have absolutely nothing left;
HE is still enough even then.
i just needed to believe it.
i also needed to believe that
i had the power within myself to choose
that i wanted to live
and that i wanted to be set free.

it’s a hard decision to make.
it’s a constant decision to make
every single meal.

but this lesson fills in the blank
for anyone in their life,
struggling with anything.
you need to truly believe and trust
that Jesus is enough for you
in every single season.
no thing, person, or substance can
fulfill you like the One who created you.

i know there are *so* many
of you out there,
who are sitting like a hollow shell,
bound by the chains,
lost in the darkness and
locked in your own personal hell of
a prison…

only you can choose that belief
and only you can choose to
run with freedom.

so hear me out
to anyone who struggles with
an eating disorder.
YOU are more than a hollow shell.
YOU are enough.
YOU are strong and can choose
freedom and LIFE.
FOOD is NOT the enemy.
JESUS WILL sustain and satisfy
your deepest longings.
YOU are not based on a simple number.

my heart literally wishes
freedom was so easy to recieve,
but i understand the struggle that
goes with losing control and trusting
in HIM.
it’s not easy.
but i am praying for you.

praying for the ones that i know
who are struggling.
praying for the ones who randomly
come across this page,
that you will find life and freedom.
praying that we can band together,
break free and rise up
to build this part of His kingdom
back to life.

i struggled for 16 years,
and it took almost two years
to truly choose freedom.
but i promise you,
i hope i never go back.
and i hope that anything i share
brings hope into your life,
and the strength to open your hands
and simply say
‘yes Lord…”
and completely surrender.

i’m thankful to have this photo
by Adrienne Gerber to remind me
where i’ve been and what i truly
want to believe.

He. Is. Enough.

ramblings.

the first time i ever shared
about my eating disorder
{i still hate those words};
the biggest part of my story
that was hidden for so so long,
was in April.
you can read that here.

there was a lot of fear that
went into that post
as i hit ‘publish’ on my screen.
not that i thought anyone would
say anything mean or negative.
but it’s such an intricate part
of who i was it was just scary
to share something i chose
to keep in the dark for the last
half of my life.

but i am learning,
with sharing comes a
new found freedom.
i am meeting others who can
sit across from me and simply
say with tears in their eyes–
‘me too. i  G E T  it.’
and without a doubt,
i believe them.
i know because i can see it
in their eyes too.
and i can sit there and say
those exact words back,
and in that moment we connect
in a way that my life has longed
for all these years.

in my 16 years of my eating disorder
i met only a tiny handful of people
who also struggled with one.
and i only actually had long in depth
conversations about it with one or two people
who had actually been through it.

and that’s it.
that’s IT.

i have 87 posts chillen on my blog.
87 drafts of
unfinished thoughts.
completely typed out and proof read posts.
secrets.
pain.
joy.
and lots of “i wish i could just post this
so you would understand me!” kind of posts.

since my last post,
i’ve been wondering
now what?
i felt like God clearly asked me to
post that first post.
and i did.
but now what? 
what’s next?
how do i continue to pull out
all those vulnerable pieces
without sharing too much?
how do i protect my life
from the online world who loves
to rip people apart when the screen
sits between them?

freedom doesn’t look anything like
i thought it would.
freedom has a little more sadness
than i expected.
but it is intertwined with a joy
i can’t quite explain.
i’m still one of the most unconfident
people you could meet,
yet i feel empowered.
i still have ALL the feels and cry A LOT,
but this time i am actually feeling those things.
freedom is literally one baby step at a time.

the gates of heaven didn’t swing wide open
and there weren’t many angels singing
with a golden light shining down
when i chose to be free.

so what was next for me?
simply looking at what freedom is to me.
it’s being brave.
sharing my thoughts and stories
and choosing to have a vulnerability
hangover afterwards.
being able to share and not run away
and feel completely embarrassed (actually i still do)
and feel like i’m being looked at
like i’m some sort of freak.
freedom is choosing to let go
of the past so that i can grab
hold of the future.
my freedom looks different than
anyone else’s freedom.

so to the ones trying to continue to
step into freedom.
keep going.
it’s overwhelming.
it’s exhausting.
it’s lonely and isolating at times
because sometimes
no one gets it.
but don’t stop.
and don’t’ compare.
your journey is your journey.
dont’ get caught up in where others are
on the journey.
if you’re ahead of the journey,
keep running baby,
and if you’re really far enough ahead-
encourage the ones behind you to
keep at it.
don’t stop for them,
but set the example.

and if you’re a little ‘behind’
on the path to freedom so to speak–
look at all the ones running ahead.
do whatever you have to do
to get yourself going.
and don’t quit.
so as i continue to run ahead–
anyone stuck and bound in the
dark and heavy chains of an eating disorder,
freedom is worth it.
every damn step, it’s worth it.
if i can do it– you can too.

one heart could set the world on fire.

time.

i have a series of posts on their way.
things are stirring in my heart,
and in some moments
i feel as if it might explode.

with joy.
with fear.
with freedom.
with life.

the last two or so months,
i have felt the Lord whispering
“it’s time.”
and i’ve ignored it.
i’ve allowed a lot of fear in.
i’ve doubted my journey.
i’ve doubted my growth…

and then He showed up
{as He always does}
and broke the very last chain
that was holding me in bondage.
and *just like that….
i felt completely and utterly
F R E E.

today is the day,
that marks my two year anniversary
of leaving my old life behind
and in search of the new.

for 16 years,
i lived and hid in this dark
hell of a hole called an eating disorder.
even typing that statement out,
i’m afraid.
but i also know that this journey
is not about me.
the fight for my life isn’t about me.

it’s about Jesus and about 
*so* many other people who are 
“on the other side of my freedom”. 

before i dip into my story with
a few posts,
this first post is about one of
my favorite characteristics of God;
and that is simply

His G O O D N E S S.

i have walked to the gates
of hell and back.
and by His goodness and faithfulness
i was set free.
i went through an 8 month rehab
program and then left and destroyed
so much of what i learned;
but by His simple goodness,
He didn’t stop pursuing me and
showing me with a  whole lot of
tough tough love—
that He has so much more
in store for me than that
hollow shell of a girl i had become.

and by His goodness,
i will share my story in hopes
of not getting my personal crap
out there for the world to see
(which is the part that terrifies me),
but in absolute hopes that if i
can help just ONE person who is
lost in this crazy insane cycle of
addiction and self-hatred,
then all of my 16 years of chaos
was absolutely worth it.

so.
as you read these posts
that are to come,
i pray that you are gentle
and kind and gracious to everyone
around you.
i am absolute proof that you truly
do not know what someone
next to you is fighting or going through
until you really know them.
this eating disorder was a secret for 15 years
before i crashed my life royally into
the ground and finally decided i needed
some mega help to get better and
seek a whole lot of healing.

and to those of you struggling that see this;

be gentle and kind with yourself.
there is only one you.
you can never be forgotten.
you can never be replaced.
this is your only shot at this life.
live it well my friends.
love yourself deeply and always
always always,
be kind in the way you speak
to yourself because 
that self-love overflows into
loving those around you.
when you love yourself well;
then you love others well.

this post is not meant for
seeing how many ‘likes’
or followers or anything of the sort.
thankfully,
i have finally come to a healthy place
not only physically but
spiritually
emotionally
and mentally.
my worth is found absolutely nowhere
except within my Jesus.
He is absolutely the only place
where my security lies,
my peace is held
and my identity is found.

my biggest prayer is that these words
(and being bold to share my story publicly)
find its way to others who are lost
in the prison that they hold the keys to…
though they do not know that yet.
even if one person
who can’t see the light….
is given a glimmer of hope
and given the realization to hold on
just a little bit longer and see that
the war isn’t over yet.
there is so much more life ahead…

F R E E D O M
is real.
F R E E D O M
is possible.
F R E E D O M
is YOURS,
only if you choose it.


echo.

sometimes,
the grand canyon
resides within your
own heart which becomes
more and more
impossible to fill.
it seems to be the forever
echo of who you are.
it taunts you everywhere you go.
you find yourself trying to
climb the endless walls
in order to find a foundation to
set your wobbly knees,
but as soon as everything
is at your fingertips,
it just crumbles
again
and again
and again
and again…

but i remember a time,
through a black and white screen
He scooped up the shattered heart
from those tiny little hands,
and opened up my chest
and replaced it with the most
beautiful, precious red ruby heart
a girl had ever seen
and then He gently closed my chest
back up.

He had given me a brand new heart.

His heart. 

and because of that,
as i stand here in the lonely
desert once again…
i still believe not in a mirage,
but in a miracle;
the flood gates will find
their way to this desolate soul.
love will rush in through all
the broken cracks and fill
every lost part of me.
joy will be the echo off these
canyon walls that will bring
them crashing down.
and when the collision of all
this has come to an end,
i will be standing on a foundation
of peace.
a foundation that will no longer
be rocked.
a foundation that will
see dark days and desert lands…

but there will be a peace that
keeps my feet firmly planted,
and i will stand in victory
for i will know who i am.

and my echo will be nothing
but repeating His name.

for He has conquered all.

enough.

my greatest fear
is that You are not
enough.

that You will not be able
to satisfy the deep longings
of my heart.
i struggle to believe that
you will redeem all the lost
and broken pieces of my soul
that have shattered and scattered
along this journey.
i struggle to believe that life
can be full.
not the busy full,
but the absolute and
deeply satisfying kind of full.
i struggle to believe that You
genuinely have a plan for my life.
i struggle to know that even
through the valley of the shadow
of death,
You are still God and You are
still good.

i struggle to choose You
over the sickness of my flesh.
i struggle to even want You,
because hope feels so far away.
and because of this fear,
i constantly am caught up in
the tensions between my
spirit and flesh.

BUT

through it all,
i do believe
You are all i want.
You are all satisfying.
You are my peace and my greatest
joy when all the world around me
grows dim.
You are the constant Light that
guides me through the valley.
You are the well-spring of life
that nourishes and flourishes
my longing soul.
You are the water that quenches
the never ending thirst for more.
You are the feast that satisfies the
hunger that runs deep in my bones.
You are steady.
You are good.
You are true.

You are good.
with clenched fists
You are good.
with a tear-stained hope
You are good.
through the darkest days
You are good.

You are good.

You are good.

You are good.

hole(s).

sometimes i forget
that my heart has
so many holes.
i forget that i’m
not quite whole yet.
i’m not sure anyone is
but i also think some
are further along
in the process to wholeness.

most days it’s easy to
ignore these holes or
to even scoot a little
dirt to fill them,
if even just for a moment
to make them feel full.
it becomes nothing short
of a cheap soothing balm
to those aches that are
desperate for deeper healing.

but eventually, and always,
the dirt filters out,
and i’m left with the
raw little walls that create
and surround these holes.
i notice them in the most
unexpected times.

i always have known,
and know now that the answer
to my satisfaction and fulfillment
is Jesus.
but it doesn’t come in the pretty
package with a cute little bow
tied perfectly on top.
it isn’t a piece i’m looking for
that will perfectly finish the
mystery of what the puzzle
of my life actually looks like.
it isn’t a door that i think i will
finally find the key to, and unlock it
and walk right through it.
it isn’t a problem that can be
easily solved with a little formula.

each of our longing and desires
are unique,
therefore our needs are met in
unique ways.
one person’s story won’t be
like the next,
though there may be some
threading that is similar to the other,
they’re both totally different.

and this is when it’s hard to
walk with people.
you can be open and honest,
but because our stories are
different,
i tend to feel misunderstood
and that’s an err on my end.
i’ve always been the advocate
for jumping into each other’s
trenches,
for being little night-lights for
each other;
to keep the light of hope on.
but i also am realizing,
sometimes the other person’s
light goes out,
and they need to have someone
in their trench too.
sometimes you have to be left
alone to figure it out.
sometimes it has to be left to you
to really dig deep and find that
little spark of hope and desire
and want to keep going.

i’m in the process of learning
to acknowledge these deep holes
in my life.
learning to not be afraid to admit
that they are very much there.
they don’t make me any less of
a person,
but as i choose to stare at them
and acknowledge every part of them,
i will begin to get a clearer picture
of who i am and why i am where i am today.
and once that picture of who i am is
clearly defined,
i will be able to not stay stuck anymore
and these holes won’t dictate who i become.
i’ve never thought of a ‘future-me’.
i’ve only ever thought ‘well i am who i am’.
and that’s that.
but it actually isn’t how it has to be.

i’m in the process of navigating
these holes,
only so i can learn how to actually
L I V E  whole.

sliver.

a few years ago i heard
the story for the first time
about God’s chosen people,
the isrealites, who wandered
in the desert for forty years.

forty years.

they were slaves who had
been delivered from serving
a master,
but they were not walking
and living in full freedom.

they wandered.

for forty years.

i’ve heard a lot of
people’s stories,
and i’ve listened and cried
with them.
my heart aches,
because i feel this sense
that many of us are living
just like that.

still wandering.
still feeling lost.
still choosing not to listen to Him.
still angry.
still hurt and absolutely broken.

there are so many people
who are delivered from so many
different issues yet
still not fully free.

sometimes you sit and think
the darkness can’t get any darker,
but it does.
the pain can’t possibly hurt any deeper,
but it does.
the tears couldn’t possibly still keep coming,
but they do; by the bucket load.

your journey may have been this
past year,
or it’s been three
or twelve
or sixteen
or twenty-five.

the number doesn’t matter.

what matters is,
no matter how long you’ve been
wandering,
waiting and barely trusting in Him–

hold on.

one good thing i can say,
is being in this for that long
means you’ve got something;
it’s a sliver of a sliver of hope.

hold onto that. 

it doesn’t have to be a lot.
most days mine feels like
a sliver of a sliver and
that’s all He asks from me.

no matter the depth
of your doubt and pain,
keep holding on.
keep pushing through.
keep fighting.

redemption is always the
ending of His stories.

bleed.

right now,
i feel as if i am
bleeding and grieving 
many aspects of my life.
i am entrenched in this
chaotic healing process.
pain seems to be leaking
in this unspeakable and
almost unbearable way.
there’s a depth to the pain
that i have never allowed
myself to fully be exposed to.

but here i am.
facing it.

all. of. it.

every fiber of my being
feels the affects
of what has been.
i am recognizing and
validating the child- me.
through my clenched fists
and tear-stained face,
i am choosing to see that
what was,
was never okay.
and the ripple affects
have been drawn out
for far too long.

but soon the ripples
will no longer take me out.
they will be nothing but
small moments of remembering
the thorn in my side,
and the desperate need for Jesus.

this desperate need for his
touch and healing in my life.
to sink down and reach
those deep, dark places of my soul
that i had no clue ever even existed.
there’s this need for His healing to
flow fully through the
painful broken places of my
childhood.
there’s a desperate need
to allow His words to be the
ripple affect of His love for me;
to allow that truth to
pierce everything i’ve
ever thought about myself or
been told who i was, or wasn’t.
there’s a desperate need for
His light to shine on
all those dark places in my mind.
the ones that have been lost or hidden
for fear of what facing those things
might have brought.

and as i slowly bring these
painful dark things into the light-
into the presence of The Light;
there’s a healing that begins.

i am no longer hiding in
those dark places or
trying so hard to hold in all of
these secret things.
they’re just spilling into the
light, and He does the rest of the work.

as i’m brave.
He does the healing.
as i cry.
He does the healing.
as i feel.
He does the healing.
as i break and break and break…
and break just a little bit more.
He is doing the healing.

right now my life consists
of surrendering every moment
to Him.
every little piece of me
is now an offering to Him
because i can no longer do
this on my own.
He needs every fiber
and broken piece in order to make
all of me whole again.

 

onion.

i read the other day,
‘Life is like an onion;
you peel off one layer
at a time… and sometimes
you weep.”

this is my peeling
and weeping season.
i’ve had so many seasons
where i felt like God
was stripping me raw
and bare.
where i knew He was trying
to show me something
about myself,
and take away all the things
that were unhealthy for me.

but in this season,
i’m doing the work.
i’m looking at my heart
like an onion,
and for the first time
i’m strong enough to
peel back the layers
on my own.
and i’m also being
strong enough to weep.
truly truly weep.

i think there are seasons where
we need to take in
that full- deep breath,
out of the depths of our pain
in order to breathe in the fullness
of His love and grace.
like taking a huge breath
before jumping into a deep sea…
i’m taking in these huge deep
breaths out of my pain
before i allow His love
to wash in and truly
cleanse all of me.

if you know me,
you know i’m a cry-er.
i’m a big sentimental baby.
everything makes me cry
whether i’m happy or sad.
frustrated or proud.
i cry.
it’s the default emotion
that comes spilling out
and i’ve also always hated it.
and hating it doesn’t
seem to make this season
that much easier.
because i’m not getting teary-eyed
over a gift or a flower,
or a baby animal.
i’m not hurt by what someone
did or didn’t say.
i’m not mad about an injustice
being done.

but i’m weeping over what
was and what wasn’t.
i’m weeping over what will never be.
i’m weeping over what i see
in all the broken and shattered
pieces of my little porcelain heart.
i’m weeping because it seems so
unfixable.
i weep because i’m angry
and want to scream at anyone i can,
not because of anything they’re doing
but because of this intense
heart surgery i’m going through
and i cannot adequately explain it.

but i weep also because there is
a tiny ray of hope,
a spark that says this is
redeemable and restorable.
this isn’t how it’ll look in the end.

so as i peel back these layers,
i’m allowing myself to weep
and (trying) not to feel guilty about it.
i’m allowing myself to weep
and to feel the pain.
but i’m also allowing myself
to weep,
because i believe He is asking
this of me.
i will weep as i hand
Him piece by piece.

i don’t know if i will ever stop running
from life.
right now i seem to cling
to my brokenness more than anything
during this process of peeling back
the layers.
but what i do know is,
if i have this thorn in my side for the rest
of my days,
it’ll force me to look to Him,
to cling to Him.
and whether i choose to see this or not,
i have fallen into the arms of my Savior.
and i will also weep for joy
when i reach the top
and stand with the anthem
of victory over my life.
whether it happens soon
or in the end of my days
i honestly do not know.
but i choose to believe it will happen.

and when it does,
i will weep one more
with gratitude.

 

 

Jesus is…

our church is going through
a series called
“Jesus is…”

sometimes it’s so easy
to focus on what God
isn’t for me
or what I want Him
to be for me that
i lose sight of who He is.

though i may need
something,
here and now,
like- right. now.
He doesn’t work on
my time frame or on
my commands.

the three words
i’ve chosen so far on
who Jesus is to me are

enough.
provider.
patient.

He is enough for me
in the here and now,
even when i don’t think
i have all those things i
feel that i need
right now.
He was enough for me when
i thought i had it all together
at least on the outside,
and it seemed like life
was going well for me.
and i must believe that He
will be enough for me
during the season of stripping.
where all i had
was taken away, completely.
and He continues to strip away
so many things that i want
to hold onto so tightly.
i know He is trying to teach me
that even if i have absolutely
nothing in this world,

He. Is. Enough.

He has been my provider
in the most insane ways
the last year.
in any way possible,
He has provided all my needs.
even when i thought,
how am i going to get through
this emotionally, financially,
physically, spiritually?
He provided the means and
the strength.
He not only paved a way for
my shaky feet to walk,

but He parted the red sea
just. for. me.

and He is so incredibly patient.
i don’t typically see this
directly from Him necessarily.
most of the time i see it through
those other people,
who are Jesus with skin on…
those are the ones who have
lavished me with patience when
i so deserved everything but that.
when the olive branch has been
extended time and again.
when love chose to look past
the mistakes and failures.
when gentleness was the action
of redirection and guidance.
when the waves of grace
would come in those moments
i thought i was going under…
i never went under,
but i was completely covered
and swimming in grace.

i continue to see these
three things in Him
as He is preparing me for the next
leg of the journey.
i see how He is swooping in,
here at the last second,
when i thought it was over,
i’ve screwed it all up…

that’s the Jesus that i follow.
that’s the Jesus i see in my life.
and i hear it ringing and echoing
in the lives around me.

sit for a moment.
look at the course your
life has taken,
and where do you see Jesus?
what does He mean to you
and what has He written about
Himself in your story?

it’s humbling when you take
the time to really sit, reflect
and accept who Jesus is,
instead of being consumed
by who you think He isn’t.

“Freedom isn’t the absence
of something. Freedom is the
presence of Someone.”

 

the top.

we are all climbing
our own mountain.
whether these mountains
are finding the way
out of the pit with
finances
work
marriage
children
addiction
grief
singleness
depression
sickness
heartache…

and the list goes on
and on and on.

the past three or so
years,
i’ve been climbing my
own mountain.
i would have glimpses of
feeling like i was almost there,
only to look up
as the clouds would break a little
and i would see that the top
actually was not in sight.
i genuinely thought i would be
on this mountain-climbing journey
F O R E V E R.
literally, forever.
i knew no other life than
the one i had settled for.

the last few months,
i hit a pretty big low.
i was sinking and could
barely keep my chin
above water.
i was drowning in my
fears and insecurities.
i was obsessed with
negative thoughts about
how terrible i am
how i’ll never be enough
and that i’ll be like this forever.
no one else could do anything
to convince me to
snap out of it or save me or
to even fully understand
where i was.
i was clamming up and
closing in.
the dark was getting darker
quickly and i knew…
‘ this is it. it’s over.’

until a few days ago.
i saw this painting below,
and God spoke to me clearer
than day.
you see,
i’ve been obsessed with
mountains the last few
years since i started this
mountain-climbing journey.
when i saw this painting
i heard Him say
‘the view from the
top is so beautiful!’

and that’s it.
all of a sudden,
out of nowhere–
something in my
brain clicked!

i cried because i
had forgotten the reason
i ever began to climb this
mountain in the first place!
i forgot theres a rhyme
and reason to everything.

i remembered those words
‘ ’til we summit’.
though i have had amazing
friendships during my journey,
He is the ultimate strength
that will allow me to ever
make it to the top.
and He is the one who is with
me until i summit.

i love that perspective.
til i summit this mountain.
because there will always
be a next, then the next and the next
and the next;
until we summit our mountains
on this earth,
He is with us when our final
summit is conquered and
when we will rejoice
with Him eternally.

and for that reason alone,
these mountains are
totally worth the fight
sweat and tears!

you can do this friends.
through all the heartache
and pain.
the victory has already been won.
our view from the top
is so so very much worth it!

keep climbing.
don’t stop.
and if you do,
just make sure you choose
to keep going.

you. can. do. it.

ps. dope painting by Cory Windland. He’s got some rad stuff! Find him on FB.

fresh.

there’s a new
season on the horizon.
i can feel the winds
blowing through,
and change is a’comin.

this one is for those
sinking under the
waves of it all,
lost in the trenches
unable to get back up.
the ones who’ve had
victory over your life,
may i remind you–
you still have it.

it is still yours.

it may not look like it,
because of the lies
that you are hearing,
the overwhelming thoughts
and emotions that come
crashing in…
all of it tells you differently.

but you fought for your life
once before

and i believe you can do it again.
and again.
and again.

i know that you know this
couldn’t be the end.
i know that you know that
this is seasonal,
but right now there seems
to be no light at the end of
the tunnel
no life preserver floating by.

but hear me on this.

He is still good.
and you are not alone.

i promise you there
are days that are coming
where you will breathe a little
easier.
and i mean deep, big breaths
of fresh, life-giving air.

i promise you there are
days where you will stand there,
and it will all of a sudden hit you
that you finally made it to
the top.
you finally have conquered
just like He promised you would.

i promise you there are days
ahead where you will sit
across another soul,
spilling their life guts
and you will joyfully listen
and be able to look into their eyes
and say ‘i understand. i’ve been there too.’

i promise you there are
days ahead,
where you will wake up,
with a mission for your day,
with confidence that cannot be shaken
and you will have that spring in your step.
you will have meaning and purpose
for your life.

so right now,
when everything is closing in
and there doesn’t seem to be
an end?
when you walk around your
daily living with a smile,
yet inside you’re completely
going under?
when you’re alone at night
and can’t seem to stop
the aching sobs and the
doubts come creeping in that
this is it, it’s over.
when you sit there sitting in the
midst of all the broken pieces and
all the questions of how
did it end up like this?

you’ve gotta remember:
it hasn’t ended up like this.

it’s not over yet.

take one baby step.
and take it well.
then take the next.
slow and steady,
this isn’t a race.

this is a process of refinement.
be gentle with yourself.

you. can. do. this.

celebrate.

i’m a pessimist naturally.
i always think the worst
of people and situations.
i always prepare for the worst
and think things will
never change.
it’s always going to be like this,
i’ll always be this way.
i live with this
complete 100% certainty of
pessimism.

i don’t care to celebrate much
unless it’s monumental.
but in my head it doesn’t matter
the victory,
it’s never monumental enough.
there’s always something wrong
with me or “it”
that makes it unworthy of celebration.

but today.

today was different.
i woke up the same,
with the same reel of negative
and hateful thoughts about my life
and myself.
i was angry about the same things
that were happening yesterday
and the day before
and the day before that.
(yes, i totally let
the sun go down on my anger.)

but for whatever reason,
today was so different.
for the first time since i’ve moved
back to Canton,
i felt like i could simply
B R E A T H E.
i can’t explain it.

it was like an hour into my day,
i stood up and could feel
my heartbeat.
i felt like my heart was actually
alive in the most odd sense.
i felt a little strong today.
i felt sure today.
i felt confident today.
i felt joyful today.

i felt all these things
i normally don’t feel.
it wasn’t fake.
it wasn’t fleeting either.

it just was.

and i’m celebrating that.
i’m celebrating that life
can actually be surprising.
life can blindside you in a
good way.
life can extend happiness
and ease.

so tonight,
i let the sun set with
gratitude in my heart
that He allowed me to
have a slight perspective shift.
and that i could actually
accept something good.
something beautiful,
not because i deserve it,
but because i am worth it.

i want to learn to celebrate
things,
big and small.

joy is one of the most
vulnerable emotions to show.
and i want to learn
how to be good at it.

setbacks.

i’ve had so many setbacks
the last few months
but they do not negate
the steps forward.

i have to continue to
remind myself,
i made those steps forward.

i’ve had moments of
stepping out of my comfort zone,
putting myself out there.
i’ve had moments of
being brave and facing something
head on when everything
in me wanted to run and hide.

as i make just one good
and healthy decision
at a time,
as i allow someone to
speak into the darkness that clouds
my vision and suffocates my
rationality and hearing;
as i choose to stand up and worship
Him with my arms raised high,
whether my heart believes
those words coming out of my mouth
or not, 
as i allow the waves of
sadness
anger
disappointment
and frustration to come,
and i do not allow those waves to
overtake me…

all of these things are simply
baby steps.
moment by moment
all of these things make me stronger.

it’s a frustrating dance
of one step forward,
and so many steps back.

but last night,
talking with a group of girls
i don’t even know,
Jesus simply reminded me…
” it doesn’t matter how many
steps back you’ve taken,
you took this one forward.”

even if i go backwards today,
i went forward other moments,
other days.

the enemy would love to convince
me that my going backwards
negates the progress forward,
but it’s just a lie.
and recognizing that lie,
has given me power and strength
to be a little more gentle and kind
with myself.
to remember,
this is a process.
this has been a very long journey,
but i will get there.
i am getting there.

hour by hour,
day by day….
i know i need nothing
but to remember the
love and grace that
flows from Him is
constant and never ending.

as i allow those things
to wash over me,
i allow myself to grow stronger
because it is nothing i can do
but it’s His strength that
picks me up,
and keeps me moving forward.

be kind and gracious to
yourself.

scratch.

sometimes,
i love to ignore
things.
push ’em aside,
or deep down inside.
out of sight,
out of mind.
yeah right.

the problem is,
those things always find
their way back up to
the surface.
in one way or
another,
it’ll find its way out.

but beauty has
a way of doing
that as well.

in the midst of
this transition season,
i have been overwhelmed
and my head and heart
have been filled
with so many questions
and doubts and
fears and uncertainties.

i’ve had this pressure
on myself lately
to pretend it’s all good.
i got this.
i don’t need help,
i’m stronger and better,
but the truth is…
we always need help.
we always need people.

and you’re not weak for asking. 

this season has been
raw and messy.
a lot of ugly things have
come from it,
a lot of darkness i held
within
has bubbled to the top.

but so has beauty.

that’s what i love about
beauty;
in the midst of the
dark and
lonely messy places,
beauty tends to find
it’s way to the surface.

i believe that if you
scratch the surface
long enough,
it doesn’t matter what
ugly things are lying
right below,
beauty is always intertwined
with it.

don’t be afraid to
sink below the surface

beauty will always
out stand and outshine
the ugly.

stripped.

i would have said
last year i was
stripped raw
and bare.

but i suppose,
there’s always more.

those deeper
layers
i didn’t even know
existed,
or even the ones that
were still there.
they’ve been there
for so long,
i thought it was
just a part of me,
my skin,
who i am.

but as He slowly
peels off those
layers,
bit by itty bitty bit
i realize how
painful yet crucial
this process truly is.

the dying to self
doesn’t happen
just once.
rather it happens
over and
over and
over again.

sometimes it would
be easier if the death
of our old self
was just done
completely finished
with one decision.
one choice.

we have to live
through the process
of dying to ourselves
because i believe
He exchanges it by
breathing in life.
hope.
joy.
fulfillment.
purpose.
strength.
peace.

while i truly believe that,
i also believe
i  get so caught up in the
process of allowing
my flesh to die,
that i don’t really see that
part of all of this.

the real reason we
choose this process,
is to be changed.

i’ve been looking
for a bigger contrast
of change.
an obvious difference,
and i don’t really see it.
but i guess i’m
kind of holding onto
believing it’s happening.

change is coming.
and so are all those
other things He wants
to breathe into my life.
into your life.
sometimes we just have
to hold on
for just a little bit longer,
whether we understand
it or not.
whether you want to
or not.
you never know when
that miracle will happen.

caught.

right now,
i feel caught in
the in betweens.

caught between
what was
and what is.

caught between
my said reality
and what is actually
true here?

caught between
who i used to be
and who He has called
me to be.

caught between
the spirit and flesh
battling against each other.
it’s a massacre for my heart.

i’m caught between
the waves of life
constantly pushing me around.
sometimes it’s just wading
in and out,
but sometimes it’s a
freaking violent storm.

i’ve always been in awe
of the ocean.
yet, there is a big part of me
that is terrified of it.
i was drug out to sea
by the waves when i was
younger,
and it terrified me.
it rooted a deep seed of fear
in my heart.

and life continues to
instill that terror.
but i am noticing lately,
that in between these
waves that come crashing down,
and through the foam
bubbling all around as
i feel i’m about to go under…

there are still small moments
of beauty.
there are still very tiny steps
of victory happening.
there are still seconds where
i can see and think clearly.
and there are still moments,
between those crashing waves…
that i can  stand on my two
feet and realize

i
am
still
breathing.

and for now,
that just has
to be enough.

these storms
won’t last forever.
though most days
i feel ship wrecked,
i know that it’s in
these moments,
that He is doing this
for my good.
whether I see it or not;
i choose to cling to the words

‘… and if not,
He is still good.‘

encourage.

sometimes the best way
to encourage your own
heart is to
encourage someone else’s…
snail mail is a lost art
but I hear it’s like gold in
st. louis.

sending lots of love
that way today…

[out of] focus.

and sometimes
your heart is
leaking pain.

you’re not quite sure
where the damage is.
you’re not quite
sure where to look
and what to assess.
you just know it’s there.

pain comes out in
so many different forms
it can be hard to pin point
what exactly caused the leak.

i had high hopes for
this next season,
next chapter in life.
though it looks nothing like
i wish it would,
my hope is still there.
it’s a little harder
and a little bit messier than
i anticipated.

the mess can leave me
feeling a bit like a failure.
leaves me in that puddle of
guilt that i’ll never get
my simple life together.

i was so focused on
making it to the top of
the mountain,
i forgot that i would have
to head down the mountain
and that can be a slippery slope.

sometimes it just feels like
i never made it to the top.
i feel like i’m still climbing
my way up this stupid thing.

all i know is,
this is not in vain.
this is the journey i’m on,
and i’m owning every bit of it.
every failure,
every step forwards
and backwards.
i’m owning that victory is mine
and will only continue to
come in deeper layers.
i’m owning all the hurt
and pain,
but i’m also owning that
He is the ultimate guide.
He is the ultimate forgiver.
He is the ultimate  healer.

So He has ultimately
won this entire thing.
and one day I will be able to
live in the freedom of
being radiantly alive
and wholly His.

freedom is mine right
this very second and in
this very season…
it just seems to be taking
a little time adjusting
my view to what exactly
that looks like in my life.

so until the picture is
in focus,
i cling to The Light
that continues to guide me.

new wave.

i was off the grid roughly.
about eight months.
it was hard, but so very nice.
now that i’m back on,
i’m already tired of
scrolling through and feeling
inadequate
worthless
ugly
unsuccessful
and not put together well enough.
i sit and compare all my
mundane everyday moments to
everyone else’s best and
glamorous moments.

although i already know,
‘there is no win in comparison’
lets be real here…

we all do it.
we all find ourselves
mindlessly scrolling and scrolling,
liking and comparing and
hoping other will like ours back.
we keep hoping we will meet
whatever unspoken standard our
world has set for us now.

but there,
hidden between a lot of
these feeds in my social media…
i see a tiny wave beginning to form.

i see people i know who have
walked through the fire and
didn’t quit.
the ones who had all the odds stacked
against them,
but completely stepped up
on top victoriously.
the ones who were,
mind you, spiritual underdogs;
satan had every plan and lie
built up in their minds to completely
destroy them and take them out.
telling them they would never
be enough.
they would always suffer in silence…
but these ones,
they found themselves in Christ,
their identity and purpose
and sit back and say
‘ now look who has won!’.

these are the people who are
my heroes.
who challenge me to my core.
these are the ones that many
don’t know their stories,
or what all they have overcome
in their lifetime.
these are ones i’ve been able
to sit back and watch God
transform them
drastically….miraculously into
completely new people.

these once defeated
and incredibly hopeless people;
these guys are the ones starting
the new wave.
choosing to believe more than what
the world is offering
or what the enemy has whispered
to them for as long as they can remember.
these are the ones who are choosing
to be real and authentic with who they are
and how they portray their genuine
selves for all to see.

i want to build a space
where you share who Y O U  are.
not who you wish you were
or who you want us to think you are.
but share the good and the bad.
i want a space where people will look
at my life and say
‘man…. me too.’ and not
‘man…. i wish i did that.
i wish i had that.
i wish i could do that or
succeed at that…”

life isn’t about
comparing and measuring up
and competing to the top.
life is about grabbing the ones
around you and pulling and
pushing each other to the top.
it’s about being able to share
and be heard and seen
and loving each other
in the midst of the mess.

i want to challenge people to
be real with themselves first.
i’m challenging myself in this
as we speak.
i’m on a journey of truly looking
deeply into who i am and
trying to work on the weaker parts
of myself.
not beat myself up for my
weaker muscles but choosing
to recognize and strengthen
those weak areas.
i want to be incredibly self-aware
and i want to love and be
content with where i am in life.
the journey has been long and hard
and its been beautiful and heartbreaking.
i want to present in all those moments
and i want to remember the good
and the bad.

the good is always wrapped
up in the bad.

“I will remember the deeds of
the Lord; yes I will remember 
your wonders of old. I will ponder
all your work, and meditate on 
your mighty deeds.” Psalm 77:11-12

when i look back at the bad
and hard and ugly
and even the beautiful parts,
i see how far along He has carried me.
i see how He was just as faithful through
my wanderings in the wilderness
as He was through those victorious
mountaintop experiences.

i just want to be me.
i want to be honest
and real and genuine.
i don’t want to blast my whole
life on a screen and be impersonal
but i want to be genuine with how
i choose to portray who i am.

don’t really know how to end
this post but,
it’s where my heart sits today.

just be real friends.
be you.
no matter what.

island.

we are not meant
to be an island.

being back and
finding a rhythm with
my people is good for me.

although there is always
that constant pull
that i need to do this on
my own.
i’ve grown and i’m stronger
and i don’t need people
as much.

but i’m so wrong.
we all are.
isolation is one of the enemy’s
biggest tactics.
if he can corner you,
and get you alone
that’s where he whispers
all those lies.
that’s where the seeds get planted
that you’re a loser.
you’re not enough.
you’re ugly and fat.
no one really likes you.
you’re a charity case.
you’re stupid.
you aren’t changed.
you’ll never ‘get there’.

i know you know this
scenario all too well.
but when you gather
your people,
or as i like to call
‘my team’…
they counter those lies
with truth.
they speak who i am
straight into the darkness,
and all of a sudden the
dark doesn’t feel so
sad
cold
and lonely anymore.

yes,
i am different.
i am stronger.
i have more confidence,
but i haven’t arrived.
no one has.
we still need each other.
we still need not only
those pouring into us
but we need to be
in the active process of
the pouring of ourselves
and emptying ourselves
into others.

there needs to be an equal
give and take.

i’ve moved 18 times
and i never want to move
again simply because of
these people.
my community.
they’ve become like family.
they love unconditionally.
they encourage when i need it.
they kick me in the butt when
i strongly deserve it.
they speak light and life into
my very being.
they listen to all my rants
and irrational thoughts.
and the best part is,
i get to do that with them.
i’m allowed into their own
journeys and hard places.
it’s not all about me,
but it’s about them too.

i care deeply for my team
and i know it is 100% reciprocated.

don’t do life alone.
you’re missing out on
such a beautiful gift of
doing life with others.

so thankful for this crazy
mix of women
( and the few that were missing).
couldn’t have made it this far
without all of your love and support.

guilt.

i feel guilty about
a lot of things and
i feel it often.

i feel guilty receiving
A N Y T H I N G.
i feel guilty when i
completely mess up.
i feel guilty when i
say the wrong things
or share my genuine
and brutally honest thoughts.
i feel guilty not giving
more of myself.

and i’ve felt really guilty
seeing His faithfulness.
it’s odd, really.

i say that Jesus is my
everything.
i want Him in everything.
and i say that is how i live
my life.

but the more moments
that come and go,
and the more times He
unexpectedly shows up;
well i feel guilty about that.
because it shows me that
i really don’t live with Him
as my everything.
i don’t bring Him into every
single moment of my day-
big or small.
i don’t think to ask Him
to help with all these
whirling decisions and choices
that need to be made.
i think my quiet time in the
morning is sufficient enough
for my entire day.
while it’s a good start,
it’s not enough (for me).

but this is where
i am.
i’m starting.
i’m slowly learning
and realizing
HE IS in everything.
i don’t have to force
Him into these places and
situations….
He’s simply T H E R E.

He is opening my eyes
to new things and allowing
me to see His presence just
show up.

and when He shows up,
things just fall into place.
things might still be
completely overwhelming
and crazy–
but His peace surpasses
all understanding.
His joy is radiant in the
deepest of sorrows.
His light drowns out
the darkness.
and His love pours out
in the places i have nothing.

i shouldn’t feel guilty.
i should extend some grace
and patience to my own
heart because i am simply
learning.

i am thankful for the
perspective He has given me,
and i am thankful that
He is the definition of patience
and grace,
and every time He shows up,
it’s not to throw it in my face,
but it’s a simply reminder of
who He is.

He is constant.
and He is there. always there.

that guilt is no longer mine.

elephant.

how do you eat
an elephant?

one.
bite.
at.
a.
time.

and this is where
i am.

i’m learning how
to navigate life
differently.

i’m learning as
i type,
how ironic this
analogy truly is.

in life,
we get so overwhelmed
with all the ifs, ands & buts.

we stand as the
train is coming right
at us
and we freeze.
we simply forget
we have two feet
and can MOVE.

we get so immobilized
by fear,
we forget that we can
be active in the fight.
we forget we have a choice
in the matter
and we don’t have to be
run over by the train.

the enemy wants us to
believe that we’re
strapped and tied down
by the rope and
couldn’t possibly move…

but in reality,
he’s just chained us
down by our own
lies and fears and insecurities.

and we can change that.
i’m learning and reminding myself
i’ve conquered these things
before,
and even if i haven’t-
because some of it, i haven’t;
i’ve conquered enough other
territory in my life
that gives me the strength
to conquer this stuff.

it’s all the same stuff
it just has a different
name and face.
it all stems from the enemy
trying to distract and keep me
tied down in order to not live
the free and fullest life that i
know we are all promised.

i cling to that verse in
john 10:10
‘the thief comes to steal
kill and destroy BUT, He came to give us life,
and to give it to the fullest….”

today,
i began to see life in its abundance.
i’m experiencing new things.
i’m seeing life a bit more clearer.
i’m feeling loved a bit more
deeply.
i see His goodness in everything.

it blows me away.
i’m remembering to
just breathe.
to take it one step,
one bite at a time.

don’t get overwhelmed by
those elephants in your life.
stop. ask for clarity.
pick a spot,
and start there.

He is so faithful,
i am continuing to see it
moment by moment in my life,
it’s ridiculous.

tears.

i tend to equate
tears with weakness.
im a crier though.
through and through.

this morning as i was driving
i was thinking of the
last two days.
they have been a
roller coaster of tears.
in between moments of
remembering to breathe,
remembering im in the battle
i realized three things.

not only am i in the battle,
but i am
N O T alone.
i am
P R E S E N T (and active)
in fighting.
and my tears are not
my weakness.
my tears are now
such a beautiful indicator
of my growth.

i realized my emotions
and tears have not formed
from the depths of brokenness.
these tears are from
the depths of the
realization of being
broken over my sin.

i now know and
am fully aware of
my separation from Him.
but His blood bridges
the gap that no one else can.
His blood draws me near
and dear and reminds me
it’s a journey.

He forgives.
He forgets.
He covers all.
He draws me near.

and He still loves me.

so very, very much.

praise.

i’ve been looking forward
to worship at church
a lot these days.

i used to not care so
much about it.
i never wanted to dig
deeper into my feelings
or allow God to awaken
any part of my heart
that i had chosen to keep
closed off from Him.

oh, but worship now.
i need it.

as i stood there this morning
completely unashamed,
i could care less if anyone saw
me.
i could care less if
anyone else was engaged.
i could care less what
was going on around me.

all i knew is that
my heart wanted Him.
nothing else but Him.
for once,
i could stand there,
raising my hands,
and truly sing those
words out loud,
and know that every
single sentence was
a song for me.
it was a song of praising
Him for who He is.
what He has done
for me.
how He saved me from
death.
no matter what i
thought or felt walking
into that building this morning
when i sang those words
out loud,
it was a direct- speaking
truth to the depths
of my soul.
the part of my heart
that continues to still
doubt.
while i know truth,
i struggle to believe.
but when i sing it out,
it just changes things
and helps me re-focus.

it’s a choice we have.
we can choose to praise Him
if we feel it or not.
or when life is feeling a bit
out of control.
it’s a choice to choose
to give Him the glory
for carrying us through
our darkest hours.
because we have all been there.
we have all felt hopeless
and felt that we just
might not make it.
but it is actually in our
darkest hours,
that our praise allows for
His Light
to shine through and guide
us back to Him.

don’t wait to praise Him
when you’re set free
and out of your mess.
it is your praise to Him
that will completely
set you free and take you,
save you from that mess.

new.

i was told,
these moments
would come.

being back,
there is this odd
but natural pull
to slip back into
that old skin i
used to wear.

it feels comfortable
and natural
yet miserable.

so i can’t.

no compromises.

so i do what they
said.
i pin myself to
the bed.
i refuse to believe
all the lies screaming
in my head.
i choose to blast
The Truth and allow
it to pierce the heart
and soul.
and as that worship
plays on repeat,
through all the tears,
i choose to believe.

believe that yes,
yes i am changed.
i am made new.
i am His.
i am no longer
a slave.
i am whole.
i am free.
i am growing and
changing.

and as my soul
screams and cries
out for Him,
i will cling to the
truth i know.

this too shall pass.
every miserable second
is just another moment
of proven victory
and freedom that He
has already won for me.

buried.

mark today,
a tiny little seed,
was buried deep
down,
far into the dark
cold ground.

i believe we are
to die to ourselves,
to gain eternal life.
not only life for eternity
but also to live life
here on earth
in His abundance.

John 10:10
is my life verse.

and now,
i must cling to
those very words
that the war will
be worth it,
the fight will be hard.

the dying of self
will continue long
past these six months,
but the victory will
so
be
M I N E.

enough.

Three years ago,
my heart went
through a pretty
intense surgery.

I had just moved
up North.
I had left and lost
all that I had known
from the several
years before.

I dumped a carload
of stuff in storage
at my dad’s house.
I got rid of 4 carloads
( basically everything)
of my things that I had.
I packed one car load,
mostly shoes and some
clothes and a blue chair
and a bike…. and I
moved up North.

I got here.
I hated it.
I hated the stupid
small town.
I hated how dreary life
seemed.
I hated the people.
I hated the difference it
seemed compared to
the south.
I hated that I was moving
for the 18th time.
I was this open wound,
just bleeding out with hurt
and my heart was so bruised.

Therefore,
I hated God.
I wanted nothing to
do with Him.
I didn’t even want to
scream and rage and
shake my fists to the
sky anymore,
because I didn’t want to
believe or couldn’t believe
that He was even there,
nonetheless listening.

I went through a dark time
of debating whether I even
believed anymore.
I finally came to the conclusion,
that no,
I couldn’t deny the fact that
He existed.
Not when I saw the sun rise
or the green grass.
Or the rain falling.

So I got my second tattoo.

‘Jesus is enough’

Both spectrums are covered
with this statement.

All my life,
I have tried to fill the empty
void and hole that lies
deep within [ all of us ],
with garbage and
things of this world that
are so very fleeting….
and are only instant gratification
but never full satisfaction. 

But then there’s the other side.
You can be stripped away
of all you have… which at the time,
that is how I felt in my
wrestling match with God.
He was so winning…

And here I sit,
late into the night
and I am being stripped again.
And this time,
it is a lot more painful.
He is stripping me bare,
down to the very raw core of who
I am.
I have no choice.
I feel the layers slowly
being peeled back…
one very tiny bit at a time.
Layer,
by layer,
by layer,
by layer.

And through the
tear-stained face,
I will try to whisper
to my heart…

‘Jesus is enough
Jesus is enough….
whether I have it all,
or whether I have
absolutely nothing…
Jesus is still enough.”

“The thief comes only
to steal and kill and destroy.
I came that they may have
life and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10

waves.

oh,
how my heart has
been drowning
by the waves of
the stormy seas.

seas of doubt.
fear.
failure.
seas of regret
and mistakes.
seas of brokenness.
seas of tears.
seas of sorrow
and of complete defeat.

and never in
these dark days,
did i ever choose
to imagine
or believe that Your
waves would come
crashing into
the depths of this
broken heart.

unexpectedly,
i am drowning.
drowning in the seas
of Your grace.
Your tides of love
keep coming and
going in this endless
ripple effect.

it is overwhelming.
it almost feels
so confusing.

tide after tide,
i am gaining
breath after breath.
as i inhale the
fragrance of Your love,
Your presence
continues to wrap around
my very being.

this is unexplainable
yet tangible.

and oh,
i know very well,
it can be just moments
before the ugly storm
begins to brew again,
determined to wash
Your goodness away.

and as that storm rises,
for i know it will;
i only pray and ask….

Dear Sweet Jesus,
may Your presence
linger just a little bit
longer.
even as the waves
from the enemy
come crashing down…
i will allow them to come,
and i will weather the storm,

as long as 
Your presence is known… 

because in Your presence,
i know peace.
i know grace.
i know patience.
and i know

You alone Lord,
you sustain me in
the middle of the chaos.

S T I L L .

i’m watching
as the tiny last
bit of sun
fades fast in
the distance
and i feel
the darkness is
spilling in
ever so quickly

and His promises
seem to fade
with it

fear begins to
set in and
panic is
beginning to stir

as i feel those
very walls rising
up within me
i feel my heart
is desperate to
cling not only
to the light
of day but also to

T h e   L i g h t.

i wish i could write
what it feels like
to watch and feel
everything caving in
all around you and
within you
and maybe you know
because you feel
this way too
or you have your own
storms and waves
that come and go
that you are learning
to wade and navigate
through

and as i have seen
far darker nights
than this;
my heart has
found its home in
the trenches many days
and i feel enslaved to
my own fears

i know this to be true

i
am
still
here.

which is beautiful
and brutal all at once.

i am S T I L L here
after so many years
of living my life
in a repetitious cycle
of regret and despair
and fear and inadequacy
and failure and patterns
and wandering and loneliness
and anger and frustration

but

i
am
STILL
H E R E

despite the long haul.

Pieces.

and oh,
how healing is
absolutely painful.
there are new
depths i am trying
to navigate.
new waters i need
to tread.
new fears that are
finding their way
into my heart and
mind and new storms
that seem to be brewing.

sometimes when His
finger touches a piece
of my heart,
i feel all of me just
shatters.
i’m a delicate sort of
porcelain these days.
i feel misunderstood
and absolutely lost;
that look of being a
deer in the headlights.

but i must remember,
with every new morning
comes a choice.
to pick my barely beating
heart up off the floor,
and just leave the mess
and continue forward,
or to just let it sit there
and beat
beat
beat…

and i will choose both.
sometimes i have to
just watch it beat,
and remember that
it’s okay if i don’t know
what i’m doing.
it’s okay that i’m feeling
quite sensitive and broken.
it’s okay to protect myself;
but it’s not okay to barricade
myself in.
it’s not okay to not get up.
it’s not okay to quit.
it’s not okay to just walk
alone.

it’s hard to have the
drive and endurance
to get somewhere,
when you have no vision
of where you wanna be…

Little Giant.

I was catching up
on a blog.
A woman who lost
her sweet baby girl
Luca Gold – ‘Goldie’
just 40 hours after
her arrival.

Amanda Cook
( who is one of my favs)
wrote a song for
sweet Goldie.
Goldie’s mama- Christa
posted this song
just three months
after she went to be with
Jesus;
and has asked to share it
with people- because
it is not written only
for her sweet Goldie,
but for all those mamas
who have lost little ones.

And this one line
will make tidal waves
of healing in the hearts
of mothers and fathers-
I must believe it….
all these babies are now
“Giants in the Heavenlies
a little Giant in the Heavenlies”.

And allow the tears to
pour out.
As so many sweet babies
are interceding on behalf
of their parents.
Christa talked about
how she now believes Goldie
is teaching her how to live
with heaven on earth.
That little Goldie is interceding
on her behalf,
for all that Christa and their family
do- now have the sound
of heaven ringing through it all.

And that is hope.
May these words
bring healing to so many
that I love.
Knowing I don’t understand,
but I want to walk with them
as best I can.

Take a listen to the link below.

http://christablack.com/2014/06/my-little-giant-in-the-heavenlies/