ramblings.

the first time i ever shared
about my eating disorder
{i still hate those words};
the biggest part of my story
that was hidden for so so long,
was in April.
you can read that here.

there was a lot of fear that
went into that post
as i hit ‘publish’ on my screen.
not that i thought anyone would
say anything mean or negative.
but it’s such an intricate part
of who i was it was just scary
to share something i chose
to keep in the dark for the last
half of my life.

but i am learning,
with sharing comes a
new found freedom.
i am meeting others who can
sit across from me and simply
say with tears in their eyes–
‘me too. i  G E T  it.’
and without a doubt,
i believe them.
i know because i can see it
in their eyes too.
and i can sit there and say
those exact words back,
and in that moment we connect
in a way that my life has longed
for all these years.

in my 16 years of my eating disorder
i met only a tiny handful of people
who also struggled with one.
and i only actually had long in depth
conversations about it with one or two people
who had actually been through it.

and that’s it.
that’s IT.

i have 87 posts chillen on my blog.
87 drafts of
unfinished thoughts.
completely typed out and proof read posts.
secrets.
pain.
joy.
and lots of “i wish i could just post this
so you would understand me!” kind of posts.

since my last post,
i’ve been wondering
now what?
i felt like God clearly asked me to
post that first post.
and i did.
but now what? 
what’s next?
how do i continue to pull out
all those vulnerable pieces
without sharing too much?
how do i protect my life
from the online world who loves
to rip people apart when the screen
sits between them?

freedom doesn’t look anything like
i thought it would.
freedom has a little more sadness
than i expected.
but it is intertwined with a joy
i can’t quite explain.
i’m still one of the most unconfident
people you could meet,
yet i feel empowered.
i still have ALL the feels and cry A LOT,
but this time i am actually feeling those things.
freedom is literally one baby step at a time.

the gates of heaven didn’t swing wide open
and there weren’t many angels singing
with a golden light shining down
when i chose to be free.

so what was next for me?
simply looking at what freedom is to me.
it’s being brave.
sharing my thoughts and stories
and choosing to have a vulnerability
hangover afterwards.
being able to share and not run away
and feel completely embarrassed (actually i still do)
and feel like i’m being looked at
like i’m some sort of freak.
freedom is choosing to let go
of the past so that i can grab
hold of the future.
my freedom looks different than
anyone else’s freedom.

so to the ones trying to continue to
step into freedom.
keep going.
it’s overwhelming.
it’s exhausting.
it’s lonely and isolating at times
because sometimes
no one gets it.
but don’t stop.
and don’t’ compare.
your journey is your journey.
dont’ get caught up in where others are
on the journey.
if you’re ahead of the journey,
keep running baby,
and if you’re really far enough ahead-
encourage the ones behind you to
keep at it.
don’t stop for them,
but set the example.

and if you’re a little ‘behind’
on the path to freedom so to speak–
look at all the ones running ahead.
do whatever you have to do
to get yourself going.
and don’t quit.
so as i continue to run ahead–
anyone stuck and bound in the
dark and heavy chains of an eating disorder,
freedom is worth it.
every damn step, it’s worth it.
if i can do it– you can too.

one heart could set the world on fire.