faithful.

18 09 2017

i’ve been asking the Lord lately,
‘what now?’

i’ve battled through one of
the darkest demons that held
me by the throat for sixteen years…
believing i was forever bound to the
darkness and hell of my eating disorder.

and i won.
my belief,
my hope,
and strength in Jesus
is what won…
the power that was given to me
through the cross
intertwined with the understanding
that i had a choice to choose
HIM above all else.

and i did.
and i continue to do so.

but that mountain seems behind me.
the joy and freedom have been
wonderful and sad and hard all at once.
but the biggest part is over.
the intensity of the fight has finally
calmed down
{because i do have to fight daily you know}.

and i’ve set my heart before the Lord
for months now;
hands open.
willing heart.
listening ears.
and have repeated the question:
‘now what?’

in this season,
where i am still single.
where my friends are all building
their lives with marriage and children
and homes and careers and ministry…
and i feel a bit left in the dust and overlooked.
this has been an incredibly lonely season,
yet i have oddly found such content in it.
and i’ve still asked Him
‘Lord, now what?’
i’m finally content being ALONE…
i never believed that day would come,
but now what?

and i keep hearing His quiet whisper.
‘be faithful to Me and me alone.’
and i’ve been trying to understand what
that looks like for me to be faithful to Him
in this season.
in this season where it’s so easy (actually for anyone)
to focus on everything i don’t have,
instead of what i do have.
it’s hard in this season to not focus on feeling
like something major must be wrong with me
for being single at this age and for
feeling my relationships shift and change way too much.
it’s hard not to focus on wishing and longing
for community in a specific way,
when oddly i think the social media community
we find is actually unattainable.
it is a longing that is genuine and pure,
yet i do not really think it exists like we believe
(and i’d love to be proven wrong on that).

i know He is asking me to be faithful,
because only He knows what’s coming.
only He knows where He has called me
and what He is preparing me for.
Only He knows what i need to be equipped for
in the future days that lie ahead of me.

and because of that,
i trust this lonely season.
i trust this road i’m walking
where only He and i know what is going on.
i trust my heart in His hands like never before.
i trust that He sees and hears me,
and is answering me.
i trust that i am incredibly capable of
hearing Him and choosing to respond how i do.
i trust that the people who sift in and out
of my life are for a reason and a season.
i trust that He is closer than i may realize
because i know i am not completely alone
even though most days it feels like it.

so wherever you are;
whatever season you’re in
whether the mountain top or
the valley lows…
the Lord is walking it with you.
He is the One leading if you let Him.
He is the constant companion and
where your hope should be.
whatever season you’re in,
just be faithful to Him.
it looks so different for every single
person,
but take that question before the Lord
and i know He will answer you.

i always choose to believe that there
is joy waiting at the end of all these
different roads i travel through.
He is simply building the foundation,
the endurance and the strength
for the next road ahead.

so lean into Him,
and trust the road you’re on…

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