hole(s).

2 07 2016

sometimes i forget
that my heart has
so many holes.
i forget that i’m
not quite whole yet.
i’m not sure anyone is
but i also think some
are further along
in the process to wholeness.

most days it’s easy to
ignore these holes or
to even scoot a little
dirt to fill them,
if even just for a moment
to make them feel full.
it becomes nothing short
of a cheap soothing balm
to those aches that are
desperate for deeper healing.

but eventually, and always,
the dirt filters out,
and i’m left with the
raw little walls that create
and surround these holes.
i notice them in the most
unexpected times.

i always have known,
and know now that the answer
to my satisfaction and fulfillment
is Jesus.
but it doesn’t come in the pretty
package with a cute little bow
tied perfectly on top.
it isn’t a piece i’m looking for
that will perfectly finish the
mystery of what the puzzle
of my life actually looks like.
it isn’t a door that i think i will
finally find the key to, and unlock it
and walk right through it.
it isn’t a problem that can be
easily solved with a little formula.

each of our longing and desires
are unique,
therefore our needs are met in
unique ways.
one person’s story won’t be
like the next,
though there may be some
threading that is similar to the other,
they’re both totally different.

and this is when it’s hard to
walk with people.
you can be open and honest,
but because our stories are
different,
i tend to feel misunderstood
and that’s an err on my end.
i’ve always been the advocate
for jumping into each other’s
trenches,
for being little night-lights for
each other;
to keep the light of hope on.
but i also am realizing,
sometimes the other person’s
light goes out,
and they need to have someone
in their trench too.
sometimes you have to be left
alone to figure it out.
sometimes it has to be left to you
to really dig deep and find that
little spark of hope and desire
and want to keep going.

i’m in the process of learning
to acknowledge these deep holes
in my life.
learning to not be afraid to admit
that they are very much there.
they don’t make me any less of
a person,
but as i choose to stare at them
and acknowledge every part of them,
i will begin to get a clearer picture
of who i am and why i am where i am today.
and once that picture of who i am is
clearly defined,
i will be able to not stay stuck anymore
and these holes won’t dictate who i become.
i’ve never thought of a ‘future-me’.
i’ve only ever thought ‘well i am who i am’.
and that’s that.
but it actually isn’t how it has to be.

i’m in the process of navigating
these holes,
only so i can learn how to actually
L I V E  whole.

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