25 05 2017

the day before i left
for rehab,
i asked my sister to take
photos of me taking one
of the biggest steps in my life.

smashing the scale.
not one scale,

i weighed myself obsessively.
any time i walked into my room
i had to strip down,
take off any jewelry or hair ties
ALL of it,
and weigh myself.
even if i walked out of my room
and came back 15 minutes later.

then i would weigh myself
on my other scale.

it’s one of the twisted lies that
an eating disorder
continuously pulls you in.
but as they say,
the number on the scale is not
the value of your worth.
though i faithfully believed it did,
i am so glad i have been broken
from that lie.
though the number can still
be a struggle,
i don’t weigh myself that often.
i don’t try to connect it with food
or the value of my worth.

some people ask how i found freedom.
to be honest,
it was Jesus.
i HAD to come to a point
where i believed He was enough
to sustain every piece of my soul.
whether i have everything in the world
and feel i am in a good season in life;
HE is enough.
but even during the seasons where
i am stripped raw,
and have absolutely nothing left;
HE is still enough even then.
i just needed to believe it.
i also needed to believe that
i had the power within myself to choose
that i wanted to live
and that i wanted to be set free.

it’s a hard decision to make.
it’s a constant decision to make
every single meal.

but this lesson fills in the blank
for anyone in their life,
struggling with anything.
you need to truly believe and trust
that Jesus is enough for you
in every single season.
no thing, person, or substance can
fulfill you like the One who created you.

i know there are *so* many
of you out there,
who are sitting like a hollow shell,
bound by the chains,
lost in the darkness and
locked in your own personal hell of
a prison…

only you can choose that belief
and only you can choose to
run with freedom.

so hear me out
to anyone who struggles with
an eating disorder.
YOU are more than a hollow shell.
YOU are enough.
YOU are strong and can choose
freedom and LIFE.
FOOD is NOT the enemy.
JESUS WILL sustain and satisfy
your deepest longings.
YOU are not based on a simple number.

my heart literally wishes
freedom was so easy to recieve,
but i understand the struggle that
goes with losing control and trusting
in HIM.
it’s not easy.
but i am praying for you.

praying for the ones that i know
who are struggling.
praying for the ones who randomly
come across this page,
that you will find life and freedom.
praying that we can band together,
break free and rise up
to build this part of His kingdom
back to life.

i struggled for 16 years,
and it took almost two years
to truly choose freedom.
but i promise you,
i hope i never go back.
and i hope that anything i share
brings hope into your life,
and the strength to open your hands
and simply say
‘yes Lord…”
and completely surrender.

i’m thankful to have this photo
by Adrienne Gerber to remind me
where i’ve been and what i truly
want to believe.

He. Is. Enough.




%d bloggers like this: