14 04 2017

i have a series of posts on their way.
things are stirring in my heart,
and in some moments
i feel as if it might explode.

with joy.
with fear.
with freedom.
with life.

the last two or so months,
i have felt the Lord whispering
“it’s time.”
and i’ve ignored it.
i’ve allowed a lot of fear in.
i’ve doubted my journey.
i’ve doubted my growth…

and then He showed up
{as He always does}
and broke the very last chain
that was holding me in bondage.
and *just like that….
i felt completely and utterly
F R E E.

today is the day,
that marks my two year anniversary
of leaving my old life behind
and in search of the new.

for 16 years,
i lived and hid in this dark
hell of a hole called an eating disorder.
even typing that statement out,
i’m afraid.
but i also know that this journey
is not about me.
the fight for my life isn’t about me.

it’s about Jesus and about 
*so* many other people who are 
“on the other side of my freedom”. 

before i dip into my story with
a few posts,
this first post is about one of
my favorite characteristics of God;
and that is simply

His G O O D N E S S.

i have walked to the gates
of hell and back.
and by His goodness and faithfulness
i was set free.
i went through an 8 month rehab
program and then left and destroyed
so much of what i learned;
but by His simple goodness,
He didn’t stop pursuing me and
showing me with a  whole lot of
tough tough love—
that He has so much more
in store for me than that
hollow shell of a girl i had become.

and by His goodness,
i will share my story in hopes
of not getting my personal crap
out there for the world to see
(which is the part that terrifies me),
but in absolute hopes that if i
can help just ONE person who is
lost in this crazy insane cycle of
addiction and self-hatred,
then all of my 16 years of chaos
was absolutely worth it.

as you read these posts
that are to come,
i pray that you are gentle
and kind and gracious to everyone
around you.
i am absolute proof that you truly
do not know what someone
next to you is fighting or going through
until you really know them.
this eating disorder was a secret for 15 years
before i crashed my life royally into
the ground and finally decided i needed
some mega help to get better and
seek a whole lot of healing.

and to those of you struggling that see this;

be gentle and kind with yourself.
there is only one you.
you can never be forgotten.
you can never be replaced.
this is your only shot at this life.
live it well my friends.
love yourself deeply and always
always always,
be kind in the way you speak
to yourself because 
that self-love overflows into
loving those around you.
when you love yourself well;
then you love others well.

this post is not meant for
seeing how many ‘likes’
or followers or anything of the sort.
i have finally come to a healthy place
not only physically but
and mentally.
my worth is found absolutely nowhere
except within my Jesus.
He is absolutely the only place
where my security lies,
my peace is held
and my identity is found.

my biggest prayer is that these words
(and being bold to share my story publicly)
find its way to others who are lost
in the prison that they hold the keys to…
though they do not know that yet.
even if one person
who can’t see the light….
is given a glimmer of hope
and given the realization to hold on
just a little bit longer and see that
the war isn’t over yet.
there is so much more life ahead…

is real.
is possible.
only if you choose it.




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