11 03 2016

i’m a pessimist naturally.
i always think the worst
of people and situations.
i always prepare for the worst
and think things will
never change.
it’s always going to be like this,
i’ll always be this way.
i live with this
complete 100% certainty of

i don’t care to celebrate much
unless it’s monumental.
but in my head it doesn’t matter
the victory,
it’s never monumental enough.
there’s always something wrong
with me or “it”
that makes it unworthy of celebration.

but today.

today was different.
i woke up the same,
with the same reel of negative
and hateful thoughts about my life
and myself.
i was angry about the same things
that were happening yesterday
and the day before
and the day before that.
(yes, i totally let
the sun go down on my anger.)

but for whatever reason,
today was so different.
for the first time since i’ve moved
back to Canton,
i felt like i could simply
B R E A T H E.
i can’t explain it.

it was like an hour into my day,
i stood up and could feel
my heartbeat.
i felt like my heart was actually
alive in the most odd sense.
i felt a little strong today.
i felt sure today.
i felt confident today.
i felt joyful today.

i felt all these things
i normally don’t feel.
it wasn’t fake.
it wasn’t fleeting either.

it just was.

and i’m celebrating that.
i’m celebrating that life
can actually be surprising.
life can blindside you in a
good way.
life can extend happiness
and ease.

so tonight,
i let the sun set with
gratitude in my heart
that He allowed me to
have a slight perspective shift.
and that i could actually
accept something good.
something beautiful,
not because i deserve it,
but because i am worth it.

i want to learn to celebrate
big and small.

joy is one of the most
vulnerable emotions to show.
and i want to learn
how to be good at it.





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