[out of] focus.

22 01 2016

and sometimes
your heart is
leaking pain.

you’re not quite sure
where the damage is.
you’re not quite
sure where to look
and what to assess.
you just know it’s there.

pain comes out in
so many different forms
it can be hard to pin point
what exactly caused the leak.

i had high hopes for
this next season,
next chapter in life.
though it looks nothing like
i wish it would,
my hope is still there.
it’s a little harder
and a little bit messier than
i anticipated.

the mess can leave me
feeling a bit like a failure.
leaves me in that puddle of
guilt that i’ll never get
my simple life together.

i was so focused on
making it to the top of
the mountain,
i forgot that i would have
to head down the mountain
and that can be a slippery slope.

sometimes it just feels like
i never made it to the top.
i feel like i’m still climbing
my way up this stupid thing.

all i know is,
this is not in vain.
this is the journey i’m on,
and i’m owning every bit of it.
every failure,
every step forwards
and backwards.
i’m owning that victory is mine
and will only continue to
come in deeper layers.
i’m owning all the hurt
and pain,
but i’m also owning that
He is the ultimate guide.
He is the ultimate forgiver.
He is the ultimate  healer.

So He has ultimately
won this entire thing.
and one day I will be able to
live in the freedom of
being radiantly alive
and wholly His.

freedom is mine right
this very second and in
this very season…
it just seems to be taking
a little time adjusting
my view to what exactly
that looks like in my life.

so until the picture is
in focus,
i cling to The Light
that continues to guide me.

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