Alive ?

3 12 2014

and i sit on the shore
and allow the waves
to come and go
as they please.
im doing my best
wading in the doubt
and uncertainty of
what is really next
if anything at all is.

my heart wants to
fold and place
all my bet in
the middle.
my flesh wants
to scream all in.
the darkness calls
me in.
again
again
and again.

some days i want
to do exactly what
she told me to do.
to just
‘stay down here
and rot for the rest
of your life.’

in order to feel,
sometimes
i give in to the
darkness.
i give in to
my petty pain.

i crawl into bed
i curl up in the
fetal position
and allow the
damns to burst open.

sometimes
it is in the darkness
and the pain that
you realize
maybe you are fully alive
and being fully alive
is not so beautiful.
and then I wish away
ever wanting to feel anything
in the first place.

but this is my penance
to bear
if i must.

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