Forward.

7 11 2014

I look forward
to the time
I don’t fill my
life with
excessive stuff.
I look forward to
a time where I’m
not bouncing
from one thing to
the next trying
to fill a deep void
that screams to
be filled.

We all have
this void,
and we all fill it
in one season
or another,
with something that
will not satisfy
past the temporary.

And because I
fill my heart with
temporary things,
the hole grows
deeper
and the ache
grows stronger.

Then I go in
circles fighting
the lies that
everyone hates me.
Everyone is always
too busy and if
push comes to shove
I can count one
or two people who
would be there no matter
the cost.

Rejection runs deep
for me.
I take it literally
and sometimes far too
personal.
When I begin to feel
that pull of rejection,
I begin to build up
those walls I have been
trying so very hard
to knock down.
I clam up and shut in.

There are always
two perspectives.
I have mine, and
can’t always see the other,
though I try desperately
to advocate that this
wasn’t on purpose or
with intention.
But when things become
repetition,
well it’s hard not to
draw conclusions.

I need to get out
of these never-ending
circles.
They lead me nowhere good.
Nowhere safe or life giving.

I know this is a season,
I know this will pass.
That’s what they say,
cause it’s easy to just
toss out cliche phrases.
I’m just ready for the next
season.

I’d say wandering in
life could be its own
spiritual gift of mine.
One thing I’m definitely
really good at.

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