flatlined.

29 01 2014

I suppose the
last few weeks
I have felt as if
I have flatlined.
The intensity of life
literally stopped,
and I shut down.

I stopped thinking
and processing for
two weeks.

Then today,
I picked up a book
a friend had mailed me…
and I became undone.

The hot tears building up,
the heart growing
heavy, but
hopeful.
The questions and
thoughts
and aches and doubts
and promises and
joys all
rising to the surface again.

That overwhelming feeling
that I can’t do this.
I don’t get it.
I want to be elsewhere
so badly.
I want this season over
and I want to truly be
living with freedom
and joy…

but I’m still on that
road of getting there.
I still have to walk
through this time.

So once again.
I continue on.
As much as I am
dragging my feet.
As much as it feels like
it hurts.
As much as I want
to shut everything out.
As much as I don’t
want to sit in church.
I don’t want to sing
worship songs.
I don’t want to do
bible studies.
I don’t want to pray.
I don’t want to read my Bible
I don’t want to ask for help.
I don’t want to voice
my doubts and fears
outloud.
I don’t want community…

But,
I will step forward anyway.
I will continue to
crawl into the light
and out of the darkness.
I will always be
taking steps forward,
and steps backward.

It’s the rhythm of the
my life for this season….
but I’m doing it.

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