Break.

28 01 2014

Not gonna lie,
I am beginning to see
the creature of habit
that I truly am.

I pursue things,
really awesome things,
and I totally
and always,
quit.

I have a wandering
heart,
and I don’t really
know how to change
that.
I’m not even sure
it’s a completely
bad thing.

I threw myself
into an awesome
community,
and I see myself
slowly backing away.
I guess it’s
what I do.

Maybe I am realizing,
the problem isn’t
necessarily community,
as much as maybe
the problem is actually
me.

I find that
the greatest things
in my life,
are also the most
challenging and are always
oppositeĀ of how I really am.

I desire deep community
and relationships,
but once I kind of start
becoming more
vulnerable,
I pack it up and hide.
I think I work really hard
to have people like me.

In all honesty,
I don’t feel like people
will like me,
if they really know me.

If they know my quirks
and secrets
those aches and pains
and the things that I do,
that just aren’t so great.
I don’t think people will like
me so much when they
hear my very unchristian
thoughts and opinions
that have been shaped
from so many experiences.

Maybe people (or my church)
won’t like me,
when they see my
foundation is still
nothing less of jello.
I know a lot,
and think all the time,
and have a lot of opinions,
but not the depth
I wish I had.

Maybe people (or my church)
won’t like me so much,
when they start to see,
I’m totally a flake.
I might show up at church,
but I tend to leave early,
or come late as I please,
because in all honesty-
I have zero accountability.

I beat to my own drum,
and while that’s totally okay
and normal as we all do,
I think it’s not okay either.
It allows me to have too much
freedom,
and to never anchor down.
Which is actually my desire.

And maybe I never anchor
down because I’ve only moved
18 times in 26 years.
I’m used to picking up and leaving
whenever the heck I feel like it.
When life gets sticky and hard,
and when I start to spiral down
(which would very much feel
like RIGHT NOW in this shitty season),
I usually decide to pick it up and move.
That’s why I moved the last….
4 times.
To run away.

As they say,
the outcome won’t
be any different,
if you do what you’ve
always done.

Hmmm…
At least I am beginning
to recognize my
habits of never truly
committing
or anchoring down.
And right now,
if I could- I’d move away.

But it looks like that
can’t happen.

Maybe one day,
these habits will break.
Until then,
I shall try again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

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