23 01 2014

They say you need
to find a community.
One that is life-giving
and challenging,
accepting you
right where you’re at.

I know that no
community is perfect.
And that’s the beautiful
thing about it.
And even though I am
such a strong advocate
for community,
I find it is one of the
biggest and greatest
challenges I have….
to carry on within

I show up to most things.
But showing up,
is not investing.
It is not pursuing.
It is not challenging.
It is not…. a lot of things.

I’m not feeling
challenged in the little
groups I have found.
I don’t know how to make a
big group seem
intentional…. and worth it.
Not that these groups
I have found aren’t worth it,
but right now,
I don’t feel it is what I need.

I need a few good
and almost strong people,
who can sit there in
the middle of the trenches
with me and be
my little night light.
My little tangible
human-form of hope.
I need people who understand
the depths of grace,
simply because they see
the depths of grace poured
out into their lives.
I need people who don’t
want to fix it all,
and don’t have all the right
answers, but can simply say
I hear you.
Your thoughts and feelings
are very real and valid…
who might say I don’t get it,
I don’t understand it,
but I hear you.
I see you in the ditch,
and let me just sit down
there with you for a while.
Lets do the dirty parts of
life together.
I want people who trust me
to come sit in their
trenches as well.
All knowing,
I don’t have it together.
I won’t fully understand,
but that I see them.
And I want to be there.
I want to be their
little night light
and human-form of hope.

I feel like I’ve gotten
closer to finding
a community like this,
but not fully yet.
I know I have plenty of
people who love me,
but most are pretty busy.
I get it.
I see it.
But sometimes, I just
desperately need people
in my life,
amidst the chaos.
I need people who can
be there during
some of these really dark
and hard times.

I know it’s not all
about me.
And I rarely open up
to anyone during
the middle of the storms,
but sometimes it would
be nice to have some one there
to go through it with me.
As much as I know I’m loved,
I’m still pretty much doing
this all alone.

And that just sucks on
some days….

Jus’ sayin’.


PS- this is not a post
to bash the groups
and friends that I have.
I love and am very
thankful for those of you
who have chosen to
walk so closely with me
the last several months
no matter how hard I
push people away,
and for those who push back-
thank you….




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