Alone.

14 01 2014

I find myself
in my room a lot lately,
just listening to worship
till the wee hours of the morning.
Just sitting and listening.
No singing
no nothing.
Just listening.

A lot of times,
some of the songs are on
repeat.

And it is when I hear
a song,
and it plays over and over
and over and over again,
that I find Him….

Gently, and so very
tenderly,
peeling back my entire
being.
Layer by layer….
helping me take down
the walls,
one piece at a time.

I have barricaded
my heart around
what everyone else says.
I have built a fortress
on the false things the
world has spoken
or told me that I am
or what I should be.
Telling me what ‘success’
I should have by this age.
I have closed myself behind
incredibly poor theology.
From all different perspectives.
I have hidden myself behind
the millions of hurtful things
people carelessly say,
never knowing how much of an
effect their words can have.

And it is through
this quiet place,
with the music playing,
trying to find its way
into my heart….
past all the walls and wounds;
truth is finding its way
somehow into my heart…
it is seeping its way into
the very pores and core
of who I am….

And right now,
this is the only place
I care to be.
I am allowing myself to
become undone by Him,
and Him alone.

No longer will I be undone
by others and
their careless words.
No longer will I be undone
by the poor standards
the world and
society have built for us,
yes- even the ‘christian’
standards.

I am learning right now,
to lean more and more
into Him,
and what He has for me,
instead of leaning
on people,
who are also broken
and trying to figure this all
out.

And every little bit
that I lean into Him,
my heart is continuing to say…
“I trust you Jesus,
oh, I trust you with
this porcelain heart
of mine…”

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