Aware.

4 01 2014

I’ve been told,
I can be pretty
self-aware.
Pretty in tune
with all the crazy
that is inside of me.
Maybe it’s because
I think too much-
my brain never stops.
Most people’s doesn’t
so I figured that
we are all really self-aware
but maybe not.

I always want to know why.
Why do I do this,
why do I do that.
What triggers this and
that?
I want to be able to explain
to people why I am
built the way I am.
Because I’m not just
like this.
There are reasons for
everything I do and say.

There are reasons for
when I’m silent
and reasons why I step
on toes.

And I’m always aware
of those things.
I always want to be
prepared to explain myself.

So when I have a
really awful attitude about
life like today-
feeling that literally
I hate the world
and I hate this body
and I hate my attitude
and I hate my job
and I hate this weather….

I want to know why.
What changed from yesterday?
Or maybe a few days ago-
the last few days have felt
like some of the shittiest
days ever…. yes, ever.

And I know why.

They say if you’re a
believer,
the Holy Spirit dwells
somewhere within…
why I never really think
about that,
because I feel like I’m
one of the worst examples
of a Christian,
and don’t seem to allow
that part of him to shine
through…
there are times and
moments,
where I think
I see it though.

And right now,
I think my spirit knows
there is a shift going on
inside my heart.

My flesh and my spirit
are at war.

Literally. You have
no.freaking. idea.

I sometimes wish
I could just scream it
out loud and just
TELL people…
life just doesn’t work
that way…

That’s why I basically
have zero patience lately.
That’s why I’ve been ditching
people and acting like a brat
to my family.
That’s why I’ve possibly
consumed more alcohol
than normal.
That’s possibly why I seem to
be saying far more fowl
language than normal.
That’s possibly why I simply
judge and hate every stranger
I meet at work.
That’s possibly why I’ve
just been a straight up jerk.

So if I’ve come across
that way lately….
If I’ve completely avoided you
or not text you back.
Or not called you back.
Or not emailed you back.
Or completely straight up ditched you.
Or cussed at you.
Or gotten short and angry….

Just know-
it’s not you.
It really is me.

It’s my flesh coming
out trying to shed this
disgusting sinful
nature of a skin…

and trying to find
that skin that glows
with great freedom
and life and love.
Not that this new skin
would be perfect,
but there’s a difference
because that Holy Spirit
can seep out of it,
and it’ll have nothing to do
with me….

My self-awareness will shift
from me,
to Him….

And others will see that….

So I apologize in
the midst of this war
and transition of my soul
trying to cling to
truth
and let go of the lies
and the things that
weigh me down.

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