Healing.

5 11 2013

I feel as though I am
walking through a new
season of
‘growing pains’.

I will grow,
but oh it will
hurt and be
a little painful,
because I think
a little more healing
is on its way.

It is amazing
how in the midst of the
brokenness and the
sorrow and
weakness,
that God can clearly
show me something.

Those of you who
know me well,
know I am a wanderer
of many sorts.
I have wandered in
and out of church for
years,
because painful things
can come from a place
made up of all sorts
of broken people.
Things that were never
intentional
but I was already broken,
that it was hard to see past
the hurt.
And I’m sure I’ve caused
a hell of a lot of pain to others
who have tried to help
me along the way.
And I have realized,
I have forgiven others,
but I have a hard time
forgiving myself for
the crap I put people through.

And because of all of
that,
community is hard.
It simply is.
I tend to run and hide
and remove myself
when my heart hurts.
I tend to isolate
because when I hurt,
I feel like the only person
I will hurt when I go
down swinging
is myself.

In this season,
I am learning all about
community.
The one thing my heart
desperately longs for
and the one thing my
heart has desperately
been hurt by.
I am learning to try and
not hide when I hurt,
but to be open and honest.
It is SO hard.

The last few weeks have
been intense,
and I was shying away from
people and church.
Not really showing up
and making more and more
excuses to not see people.

And then today happens.
When I meet with a new-ish
friend, and I unload my world.
And I feel un-judged.
I feel heard if only for just a few
minuetes.
And God only knows how much
hugs can do for a person
who hates to be touched.
He knows what people to
bring into my life.

And tonight,
we talked more in depth about
the church and community
and the positive
and negative affects that happen
on people who choose to
run from community.
And in my ‘village’,
with my girls… I could unload.
I rarely am open with them.
I rarely share the really painful
things and the doubts,
and I really didn’t want to go
tonight because the last month
has been hard.
And I’ve been hiding and skipping
bible study.
But I just opened
and I broke
and I cried.

And that is where the healing will
be.
The same place where I have felt
some of the most pain
in the last few years-
will be the
VERY
SAME
PLACE
where God is going to
bring healing.

And it will be wonderful
and beautiful
and painful
and hard
but so worth it.

God is bringing an awesome
group of people,
from very different places
into my life.
And I am TRYING SO HARD
to continue to walk
even though all of me
wants to run so far the other way.

I am CHOOSING
community.
I am choosing to try and
see and believe
that maybe, JUST MAYBE
I have something that
I can bring to the table
that is of value and
beneficial to others.
Even though it’s hard
to see when I keep
focusing so much on myself.
But loving others is about
LOVING them.

And today,
God just freaking LOVED
on me through several
different people.
And I am so thankful for that.

We cannot live life
alone,
we are SO much better off
together.

20131104-212034.jpg

When community
is built
and we are all givers
and takers,
it really can turn into
such a beautiful thing.

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