Wading.

30 10 2013

Right now I am
wading through the
motions and sifting
through a lot of
heart issues.

When things get hard
I usually just clam up,
disappear and reappear
once I have stuffed
things down deep enough
to not feel the pain.

But I believe this is
what I like to call a
‘growing pains season’.
I want to try and
face my pain;
whatever junk I’ve stuffed
so deep in my heart
which I honestly have
no idea what
is there anymore…

And the more I am
around community
and fellowship
the more the pain
begins.
There are wounds
that were never dealt with.
There are things that trigger
other things
and my mind wanders
and my heart aches.

I am sifting through
and trying to process
without disappearing.

But where is the balance
of finding trust in community
without being too vulnerable
and without sharing too much?
I am an extremist.
I share it all, or I clam up.
That’s why I left church the last few
years.
I was tired of trying to be
vulnerable
and then left feeling
so misunderstood.

But nows not the time
to leave.
Now is the best time to
try and find balance.
To find those trusting people.

Not only that,
but then there is the balance
of not clinging to them.
Not becoming too dependent.
Where do you draw the line?

It is so complicated
trying to find and draw
lines of being in community
but not be too dependent
and not be too independent.
How do you live life together
without being completely vulnerable?
How do you live life together
and be real?

I keep going back and
forth whether I want to be
in church or not.
I know I want and need
community.
But will it really help
when you put the whole
equation into the mix?
There are always unspoken
do-s and don’ts.

We are all broken people.
We will always let people
down and
be let down.
I need to understand that
that is okay,
as long as you work
through it together.

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