Cling.

15 08 2013

Last month
was a lamenting
for my soul.

The journey has
been long and hard.
Lonely in many ways
and the depths have
sunk deeper than I realized.

As I look back
at this particular moment
in time,
this moment that forever
changed my path,
this year I’ve mourned it.
I have mourned the
direction it took in my life,
and how everything
has shifted and changed
and I wondered how life
would have been,
if it were not for that one
moment,
so burned into my mind.

It is almost like a
funeral for the achy heart.
Thoughts were like
wishing in a well,
throwing penny
after penny
after penny
after penny….
wishing it were different.

Which only turns into
more wasted time spent.
More time I cannot get
back
and I am becoming
exactly what I promised
I would never be.

The words I once read,
would not become
my self-fulfilled prophecy.

“If you string enough
wasted moments together,
you get a wasted life…”

I have spent years
selling myself
hallow dreams
and chasing the temporal.
I was swallowing cases
and cases of these dreams
and things,
never being able
to fill that hunger
and void of wanting the
abundant life.

I’ve chosen the stale
emptiness and
the quick satisfaction
of moments that
are chased down
with the heaviness of
sin and guilt.

It is just another one
of those tensions
in the heart
between spirit and
flesh.

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