Spiral.

16 05 2013

We all do it.
We all let our thoughts
get the most of us
sometimes.

Today was one
of those days.

Everything I did,
was wrong.
Everything I thought
was dumb.
Every word I spoke,
didn’t make sense
(thankfully I had my
9 mo old niece today
who didn’t care).

I have these days,
where it seems too hard
to wake up,
too hard to roll out of
bed and live my day.
I have these days,
where I just don’t want
to see or speak to
anyone
because my mind is
spiraling.

Everything gathers at the
roots of:
I’m not good enough.
I’m a bitch.
I’m so freaking stuck
it’s ridiculous.
I’m absolutely selfish.
I’m freaking lonely;
even if I’m crammed
in a room full of people
I know.
I’m lazy.
I’m always going to
be this way.
I.just.suck.

It’s hard to break
these ties
when you’ve lived
most of your thought life
attached to them like
some sort of life boat.
They do nothing but
keep me tied down and
bound to nothing helpful.

It’s hard to be honest
about these kind of days.
That’s why I tend to
push away and block
people out.
Yes, we all need alone time,
but it’s in times like these
I need people.
Community.
Not just anyone,
but people who really
know me.
Who know my strengths
and weaknesses
beyond just,
you’re pretty funny and
you can be a bitch
sometimes.

It’s hard to build
community when we
all have our own
spiral that we slide down
from time to time.
It’s hard to be honest
and open
and raw with our hearts
and emotions,
because up ’til this point,
we’ve all had our hurts and
hangups.

I am a very real and
honest person,
but I also don’t tie
emotions to them,
so I’m still shutting people
out and holding them
to a distance.
I can’t seem to quite
get there.
I want to be there.
And I want others to be
there.

What does it take
for people to fully
find that place of love
and trust in a community
where you can hands down,
count on those people to be
there no matter the place
or time?
No matter how big or small?

I’m not sure it’s possible,
but I feel like those communities
exist somewhere.
I have to believe in it.
And I hope one day I will
be in one.
Selfishly for my own benefit,
but….
simply to walk life with others.

As much as I fight
it,
community truly is
one of my deepest desires.

We are not meant
to do this on our own….

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One response

16 05 2013
joeysan

Believing that you’re not the only one who ever feels the way you feel…that’s a good start in finding your community. Not just knowing it, but believing it.

Perhaps another good step is not being so sure you haven’t already found it.

On Wed, May 15, 2013 at 10:24 PM, Talitha Koum

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