Real. Talk.

8 05 2013

Over the last year
and a half
I’ve kind of lost
contact with a lot
of people.
I’ve shut people out,
been kind of a
d-bag if you ask me.
No, I’m serious.
Trust me,
I know
people will
vouch for me.

This last year,
I have learned that
I make big and quick
decisions.
I’m all in and I’m all
out.
I’m so incredibly passionate,
and absolutely apathetic.
I’m a lover but just as
equally a fighter.
I believe so strongly in
ideas and ‘christianity’
but I rarely live anything out.
I love and seek community,
but I’d rather be isolated.
I’m so incredibly broken,
but I use a ‘one-man-army’
mentality so that you can’t
usually see it.
I’m fairly crazy funny and
outgoing,
but I seriously have almost
little to no-self esteem.
I’ve got quite the rebellious
spirit,
but am always over-burdened
with guilt.
I’m like a puppy who is
so loyal and loves to love…
but I rarely can fully except it.
I am a huge people-pleaser,
but I hate helping others.
I talk bad about
the corporate church
because I know that’s where
I’m supposed to be.
I’d rather read challenging
‘Christian’ (not how-to) books
than the Bible.
I’d rather talk to a brick wall
than God.
I’m full of excuses
and really wish someone would
call me out on my bullshit;
but if you do,
I’ll probably hate you and cut you out
(Bon Quiqui style. Don’t know it,
YouTube it).
I’m one of the most
judgmental people you will ever
meet,
but I feel like when I talk
I am being judged.
I get excited when people
are passionate about something,
but don’t ask me to commit,
because I will say yes to make
you happy,
but I promise I won’t follow through.

Yeah.
I’m really not that
lovely.
I’ve learned and been
able to recognize
how crazy I am.
I’m not saying any
of this is okay.
Recognizing is always the
first step.
I’m just writing out the
list of things
I should probably work on…
And if I’ve offended you,
I’m sorry.

But not really.

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