3 03 2013

The last two days, I started/finished something I have wanted to do for years. I finally combined all my ‘poetic-ish’ writings into one journal, along with whatever photograph I’d put with it. Reading over all these things, made my heart a little sad. I know we all grow and change in different ways. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it’s not for the best. There is an obvious shift in perspective through my writings from six years ago till now. There was such a sweet, and believable sound to my writings. There was confidence in Christ, yet still that struggle to trust God. Now,… ha. Now I am so different. I roll my eyes at almost anything that is said that has to do with spiritual things. I probably laugh at the church more than I should. I judge far too deeply into people and things. I come to my own conclusions without giving any other options. And my thoughts are far more hateful than anyone can see.

My deepest prayer when I was younger was that God wouldn’t allow my heart to harden. That I wouldn’t become like ‘them’. Them as in; the ones who mediocre their way through life. Who have one foot strongly in the world, and one foot dragging through church. I didn’t want to get ‘old’ and be apathetic towards church. I never understood how those things were possible… I didn’t understand how it was possible for two missionaries who were obviously in love with Jesus, have five kids and get a divorce. I didn’t understand when pastors cheated on their wives or vice vs. I didn’t understand when you heard the stories of the old ones who had this fire that burned strong and then here they are…. hating their marriage, not involved with kids, just showing up on sundays…

Well now I do.
Church happens.
Shit happens.

And…. well.

Maybe a miracle will happen as well.

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