non-existent

21 02 2013

I talked with a friend this morning…
and last night actually.
Sharing my frustrations with the church,
the brokenness of us;
the body.

I just don’t understand anymore.
I have had this longing,
yearning to be intertwined with
others and their hearts.
This longing to have our heart-strings
continuously being pulled
and challenged
and loved
and woven closely together…

And it doesn’t seem to be coming.
“Well, you do push away a lot.”
Why yes,
yes indeed I do.
I push because I’m not getting results.
I want people that will be there
when I need it.
I want people to trust me enough
to be there when they need it.
I want to laugh and love,
like really….
not this surface crap.

I look at the communities around me,
and I get annoyed,
angry even
that I cannot seem to figure out
the equation.
Why can’t I fit in any of
these awesome groups?

And maybe,
maybe they’re not what
they seem to be.
Maybe community like I long for
is nonexistent…..
and with this thought surfacing,
I feel that I can breathe a little more
and not feel so bad
that I don’t have this
‘community’,
and that maybe it’s not actually out
there,
and maybe I can stop working
on this equation and just ….
be.

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