Theory.

7 02 2013

I have this idea
or maybe theory
or belief
or … this… this thing…

I feel like people say
‘Oh God just wants you.
He wants you to come,
come just as you are…
and He will love you
and bless you
and heal you
and guide you
and grow you
and strengthen you…’

The last eight years
have been so harsh.
Years of coming
and kneeling,
just as I am….
my shit laying out for all
to see.
My brokenness always
so evident and messy
and everywhere.

And yet I’m still on this
damn merry-go-round.
I still feel like I’m going
’round and ’round
like some stupid dog
with a bone hanging on
a string in front of him
that he can never catch.

I have this theory that
I will never be anywhere
close to where I want to be…
and because of that,
I will never have those deep
desires fulfilled,
because I don’t trust God
enough, if at all.
I don’t feel him, ever.
I have searched high and freaking-low.
I have screamed out
in anguish…
I have had seasons of groaning
as Romans 8 talks about.
I have had seasons of joy
that came with just… trying to
believe in all that I don’t see.
I have walked these desert lands
for far too long.
My seasons seem to rarely see
spring.
I have tried not trying.
I have tried being silent,
I have tried to learn patience
I have tried to wrestle
I have tried running the hell away
from Him….
I have tried hiding
I have tried praying
I have tried worship
I have tried thanksgiving
I have tried just admitting who
I believed God is….
I have tried being humble
I have tried confessing my sins
(so very many)
I have tried reading the Bible
I have tried going to church
I have tried many bible studies
I have tried having Christian friends
I have tried being open
I have tried serving
I have tried tithing
I have tried being obedient
I have tried scripture memory
I have tried even when I didn’t want to try
I have tried loving others
I have tried taking the focus off myself
I have tried participating
I have tried initiating
I have tried speaking and thinking good
I have tried less Christian friends
I have tried
I have tried

I have tried and tried and freaking
TRIED.

And
I.
Am.
Tired.

I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of waiting for
the smallest thing from Him.

And because of this terrible
attitude and belief,
I believe my desires are nothing.
Those things I so long for,
will never be fulfilled
because He blesses those who
follow Him and obey Him.
Not who are perfect,
but…. I don’t think He blesses
those who just continue to wander
mindlessly,
knowing the answer is somewhere
right here….

And I have tried the whole
prodigal thing….
so don’t worry, I know
that story…

And then I hate myself
Because with the minor
Pain I’ve had to endure,
I still can’t seem to persevere
To the end like we are asked to….

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One response

9 02 2013
robshir3

<3

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