Lately.

2 02 2013

The last several years
have been nothing short
of my soul warring
through different
doctrines and opinions.
And I’m okay with that.
Maybe I wouldn’t have
chose that route
and all those different
churches,
and maybe I would have
done a lot differently,
but here I am.

Feeling as if I’m
finally coming out
from the middle
of that tornado.
The thoughts and
opinions
and theologies are
all finally beginning to
silence a little bit.
I am beginning to think
a little bit more on my
own.
Even though I still have
to silence many voices
in my head and do things
for myself.

So today.
Today I do not really
have hope in the church.
For  a billion reasons.
Today,
I choose to step back
and stop seeking church.
Stop seeking ‘ministry’
and doing all this church-y
stuff.
Today I will pour where I
may.
I will give to whomever
and however I please.
Today I will still seek
encouraging and
challenging relationships.
Today I will choose to
continue to carry myself
in a good light
and not go all crazy
down the wrong road
or use my freedom too carelessly.
Today I will continue
to cleave a little closer to
my family.
Today I set down those
opinions that have so strongly
forced me to think and
do things out of routine
rather than through my heart.
Today I will still utter words
to the sky  and believe
that somehow they get to
where they need to go.
Today I will choose not to
become perfect just so that
I get a ‘blessed’ life.
If I don’t get extra ‘blessings’
just because I’m not
reading my bible,
showing up to church every
Sunday, giving 10%
or serving anywhere,

Well, I’m okay with that.
I’m  not quitting the race,
I haven’t lost hope in Jesus.
I do believe the church can do
great and awesome things.
I do believe broken people
make up the church and that’s why
the church is too broken.
But my hope has been
anchored too deeply into the
church and the people that
make up the church,
therefore my hope has left
because my hope needs to find
its way back to Jesus.

So don’t think I’m going
all crazy.
I’m continuing the race,
just changing up my game.

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