Own.

7 01 2013

It is here.
The time has come,
where I have finally
decided to truly search.
To search and find
truth in my life.
To be real and honest
with God.
I think most churches
or christian organizations
I have been a part of,
I tend to just mindlessly
follow and accept the truth,
because I have never looked
to see if their teaching was
true.
Not that all that I was taught was
wrong.
No,
I do not think that at all.
I truly believe every church
or organization had so much
heart behind what they were teaching.
But I just don’t believe there is one
truth for everyone.
Now,
saying that;
I do believe in the gospel as
the one truth to believe.
But I also think that God made
each of us so incredibly different,
that we aren’t all supposed
to be ‘biblical legalistic thinkers’
and we’re not all made to be
super charismatic artsy fartsy
either.

I truly believe that for my
personal journey,
God had to take me to both ends
of the spectrum.
He wired me so differently,
and knows that I need to find a balance.
I needed to see and experience
and breathe in both ends,
because my heart needs to find
its own way.

I know one side of the spectrum
would be all for that.
And yet I still have this guilty side of me
from my last church saying
no… that is wrong.
That is not truth,
that is not biblical.

Well,
I’ve never been to seminary,
and I can totally be doing this out of context
But the only verse that keeps
coming to mind lately is this:

“Enter by the narrow gate.
For the gate is wide and
the way is easy that leads
to destruction,
and those who enter by it
are many.
For the gate is narrow
and the way is hard
that leads to life,
and those who find it are few.”

Matthew 7:14

I’m choosing a road I’ve never been.
A road that can feel lonely,
But I’m determined to find
the heart of God in it.
And I believe He will totally
meet me exactly where I am.
And I will find Him whatever
way I choose to go look for Him.
And if it’s different that your journey,
you can tell me I’m wrong,
but I’m trusting Jesus has me
and is okay with how I am searching.
I’m determined to figure how
to cling to the body
but in a healthy way.
How to ask questions
and not quickly
speak against it just
because I want to.
I’m choosing to allow God
just to move.
However that looks in my life.
No more boundaries and
walls built so high no one can get in.
I have no idea what the hell I’m doing
and where my heart is going,
But I am also determined to genuinely
allow the Lord to move as He wants.
And I am determined to go
to His word as my ultimate truth;
as my ultimate source for answers.
But I allow any other way He wants
to speak as well.
And it may be simple
through a song or creation,
and I’m totally down with that.
He knows where my hearts at
and that’s all that matters.
It’s okay if no one else does,
and it might be better that way,
for this season.

Jesus,
I’m asking for all the grace you
can give.
And patience as I truly search
and seek after Your heart.
I’m sure I’ll be pissing one side
off or told how I’m doing
it all wrong.
But it is only You
who truly knows my heart…
and for once,
that’s all that matters.

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One response

7 01 2013
joeysan

And the growing continues. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

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