21 12 2012

And there are firsts for

There are firsts for friendships,
to heal and not be
completely destroyed by
my wonderful track record.
Firsts for forgiveness to truly
be received
and given.

There are firsts for needs
to be met.
To take oneself out of the picture,
and look at what is around me
and to see the brokenness.
And care and to actually
do something.

There are firsts for things
I have hated my whole life,
(ahem* like christmas)
to allow it in and slowly
very very veryyyy slowly
be okay with it.
And firsts for being excited to
see my family.
(those of you who know me,
know how I have hated being
with family for really….
any amount of time.)
To hug my sister who lives so far
away right now.
To kiss her baby boy
who is my other sweet Bee.
To hug my brothers deeply
and to allow those big arms
of theirs to wrap around
my tiny frame and
to soak them in.

There are firsts for taking
my dad out for coffee
because I know he longs and
desires for a relationship with me
and I would rather have nothing
to do with him.

There are firsts for taking time
and putting together a gift
for my mom
who I also have zero relationship with.
And sewing this present for her
and spending all this time on her.

There are firsts of holding
my precious nephew who was born
a few months ago.
Hugging and kissing him and
soaking in that newborn smell.

There are firsts for buying
so many gifts for so many people
who I do not know,
just because I can for once afford it
and also have extra saved up.

There are firsts for so many things.
I am beginning to see a pattern
that has been whispered to me
time and time again.

And for once,
I choose and long to hear this
this push to keep going.

And this whisper my friends
this whisper is called






One response

21 12 2012


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