7 12 2012

And I already know
after those moments
when God seemed so near,
and what He was speaking was
so clear,
even if for only a moment,
I know…
I know how the enemy works
and how He comes in
to confuse me and
bring up all those doubts
and insecurities.
How to remind myself of those bad
bad habits.

And today,
I feel the weight of it.
The struggle to not ‘discipline’
myself for my mistakes.

Ever since I was really young,
I had learned discipline
through my mom.
Through some kind of drastic
measures and painful things
she did.

The older I grew,
the more I told myself
that I needed that discipline.
The more I believed the lies
that starving myself
or cutting
or binging and purging
or punching brick walls
so my hands were blue
and swollen,
yes all of those things
were simply discipline
to make myself better.
I deserve those things.
I deserved that course of action
to make myself better
and stronger
and tougher
and prettier.

And today I fight that pull.
That pull that I don’t need to eat.
I have never publicly written about
this struggle anywhere.
This 11 year secret-life
that has only come out to the
open to my family and to
people who I am close to
this past summer.

All day I have refused to eat.
Because sometimes
it’s just easier.
It’s easier to switch this
‘self-discipline’ switch in
my mind.
But it changes everything.
All of who I am.

You spoke clearly yesterday.
You told me to get up.
And I did.
And even though I feel
face-down in this pit,
maybe that is the best place
to be.
Knees bent,
weak and alone.

Because all I need is you,
and the rest will fall in
its place.
I can’t let my guard down.
Not right now…
and I will fail time and time again,
but they say your grace
is enough.

And I want to believe….





One response

7 12 2012

A wise woman once said, “It doesn’t matter if you fall down seven times, as long as you get up eight.”

Discipline and punishment are two different things with two different goals.

Discipline – to correct through teaching

Punishment – to correct through reminding

Why remember what is better left forgotten?

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