4 12 2012

I suppose I am
a hole digger.

I dig holes for many reasons.
Usually starting out with
a good intention,
but it is not very well communicated.
Then the miscommunication
becomes a hole in itself.
And then I just keep digging
holes trying to make right
what I made wrong that I was
trying to make right to begin with.

Then things just become a mess.
And now I’m a mess.
My mess is out there and showing.
My mess that I can’t communicate well
that I’m so incredibly selfish
and I can totally own that.
My mess that I really do suck as a friend
a lot of times,
and that is something I really need to work on.
My mess that I constantly screw
things up,
and that it’s always the same thing.

You would think I would know,
after years of hiding away,
and running when I get hurt that
the running and hiding also creates
tension and hurt to others.

But no,
I’m too selfish to care I guess.
Because here I am…. again.
For the millionth time,
creating holes in friendships,
hurting others
and having no idea how to
truly communicate.

I told you at the very beginning
‘you don’t want to jump on this
roller-coaster….I promise.”

I think I was right.

I’m sorry.





One response

4 12 2012

Decide what you want. Stop trying to please everyone and decide what you want – either to get healthy or not. Then own the one you choose an go from there. You are trying to serve two masters and no one can do that – you’ll be split apart.

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