Elephant.

3 12 2012

We all know the phrase
‘the elephant in the room’.

Well,
there’s one in my heart.
And he just keeps growing
bigger
and bigger
and bigger….

Everyday I try and shove
and push this elephant away.
But we know how hard that is.
It is impossible.
I have a hard time acknowledging
the issues of the heart.
I have gotten pretty good about
dancing around things.
Going about life ‘better’ than before,
yet never dealing with anything.

I downplay almost everything,
and well,
there are just reasons for everything I do.
I am intentional about
everything.
My close(r) friends would be able
to tell you that.

I am taking tiny tiny
baby steps forward.
But tend to run
quite a few yards backwards.
I think to myself
‘okay, good… you did this small step.’
Then I freak out and start to shut down.
Me shutting down would be any one of
the following:
not responding to texts
not really talking to anyone
not going to church
pushing people out in any way possible
beating myself up
long nights
dwelling too much on what hurts.

or it can include all of those things
and many other things.

*sigh.

I’m just trying to get my shit together….
but I’m stuck in molasses or some other
terrible thing I can’t seem to release from.

All I know is,

I
can’t
quit
.

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