hmmmmm.

4 11 2012

And today I got news,
that you are now official.
I know in my heart I should be happy
but there’s such a sadness
that seems to tie and anchor
itself on.
There is a weight and heaviness
that is the opening to a wound
that runs deep deep into the core
of who I am,
my very being.
A wound that most would not
understand, so there is no point
in trying to explain.
Sometimes sadness and pain
are too hard to explain or to speak of.

But there is a commonality
that we all experience.
We all know what pain feels like,
the weight that it holds
and the unspeakable words that hang
above us.

I am truly trying to be happy for you.
I am sure within time,
I will be used to the fact a little more
and hopefully it will get easier
and easier to be okay.

But for now,
I will feel the pain.
Let it sink deep,
let it validate itself,
but not let it define me.
I will allow myself to feel,
for this reason I can remind
myself that I am in fact alive.
And if it means I feel pain
in order to realize that,
then that is what I feel.

I hope you enjoy the new new,
the official-forever-never-going-back-new.
And hopefully I will catch up
to enjoying that soon……….

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