8 10 2012

I apologize if my blogs are fairly repetitive.
But right now,
I am working through some deep layers
of my heart.
I peel a layer,
it’s painful,
it closes back up
and I just have to peel the same layer,
several times
and again
and again…

The last two years,
I was told how disobedient,
unrepentant and
unteachable I was.
I was told that I was living a life
of a ‘non-believer’
because I wouldn’t ‘stop’ doing these specific
And that loving too deeply was sinful
and idolatry.

In the back of my mind,
as I feel like a wanderer,
I can’t help but have that theology
still echo through my brain.
Telling me that I am no longer saved…
or that I never was.
That God is allowing me to go about my own,
and that he is hardening my heart.
As I make these new steps in my journey,
walking away from what I’ve been taught the last
8 years….
I have to at least try and tell myself,
that He won’t leave me to my own.
That I won’t be condemned forever.

The sugar-coated gospel doesn’t do me any good.
But the wrath and damnation of hell never did
any good either.
The balance of the two is what I want.
I carry this heavy load these days thinking,
maybe I am walking myself to my own grave forever.
But a tiny part of me hopes that His love
can break through and still lead me home…





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