Wanderer.

7 10 2012

Sometimes,
I believe I was made to wander.
To be a bit more nomadic.
To never have a real home,
and to meet as many people as possible.

There is a beauty in being free
in roaming the plains as I wish.
To never feel tied down to one area
or people.
There is a beauty in being immersed
in different cultures and regions.
There is a beauty in starting completely over.

I think wandering is fine,
as long as I don’t set out because of pain.
I tend to wander away
when I feel hurt by others.
Abandonment is a huge issue in my life.
The beauty in wandering is,
usually you can do it alone.
There is no fear in people hurting you
or leaving you.

But there is also no joy
or love that grows
when those people do hurt you
and you can work through it.
There is no joy
when I’m always walking or running away.
There is no joy
when I feel I don’t know how long
I can rest my head here.

I am learning what it looks like
to live in community.
In a sense I guess.
Many things make me want to push back.
I am learning what it means
to communicate when it hurts.
To express what I am feeling
and not just what people want to hear.
I am learning what it means to
be truly raw and honest in front of these people
who I really don’t know.
I am learning what it means
to allow people to help and love me
even when I want to run far.

This,
this community thing that I so deeply desire
and have written about often,
is so much harder than I realized.
But hopefully it will be worth it…

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