7 10 2012

And I sit here,
Late into the night-
early into the morning.
Areas of my heart are being exposed
things I have tried to forget,
long long ago.
Yet these tiny pieces
have found their way to the surface.
Everything seems magnified right now.
The pain.
The tears.
The confusion.
The emptiness.
The loneliness.
The darkness.
The silence.
The hurt.
The heartache.
The depression.

It. All. Seems. So . Big.

Call it dramatic or whatever you want.
Pull out your bible and read into the proverbs,
and tell me like you always do…
“You’re acting a fool and being foolish for following
your heart and emotions instead of this…”

Don’t worry,
those wheels have been spinning in my mind already.
I think I got it down by now.

And tonight,
while I try and hold back,
try and keep quiet,
and keep from these hot heavy tears
from spilling out
from the core of my being…

It is here that I realize something.
All my life,
I have believed this one lie.
The foundation and core of who I am
is completely built around this
one
tiny
lie.

And it is so painful.
I feel so ashamed in myself.
So much more broken.
I can’t even speak the words yet.
But I know they’re building themselves.
I walk around feeling defeated
in so many ways.
And I am finally breaking down.

And that my friends,
is beauty in the breakdown.
This is only the first step to truly
coming to grips that maybe
freedom is real.
Freedom is on its way.
But the fight,
oh yes, the fight is still there.
And there will be so many
defeats and setbacks,
but the war continues on.

And I think I can hear the whispers
of
who holds the keys…..

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