Own.

4 10 2012

It has never occurred to me that
I can be my own.
I feel like all my life,
I have been shown/semi-forced
into all these totally different molds.
Which I think is very normal.
But,
as I got older
the people-pleaser in me continued in
that way.
I have theology and doctrines floating
about my mind.
Constantly confusing me
and causing this never-ending battle.

But today.
Today I realized,
I can be my own.
I can choose my own way.
I have my own brain,
I have my own experiences,
I have my own thoughts,
feelings,
and opinions.
I interpret things so differently,
and that is a-okay.

I may step on some toes here,
and honestly-
I don’t care anymore.
Matthew 7 talks about the narrow gate.
That we must find the path less followed.
I think I’m on this kick of
trekking my own journey.
Not necessarily alone
but rather,
allowing myself to explore
different thoughts and opinions
than the normal ways
I have been shown.
I want a confidence
that I can be a big girl.
That I can choose
my own way.

If my spiritual beliefs do not agree
with the way I was raised,
or what I have been shown/taught
force-fed the last 8 years….

It is perfectly okay.

It is time to pick my own self up,
and begin my journey.
And if I’m wrong,
I’m wrong, and I deeply pray
that God will change my heart,
and that He will do what He wants.

I don’t think I’m going to hell
(for the many people who have told me that the past two yrs),
I don’t think I’m unfruitful.
I don’t think I’m being disobedient.
I don’t think I’m being unteachable.
I don’t think I’m unrepentant.

I am a wandering child,
finding my way home.
All our journeys are different.
Please don’t judge me and force your opinions
anymore.
I totally love discussion,
but I will cut you off if it gets heated
and judgemental.
I want to learn to not only agree to disagree,
but to love the other for where they are.
We far too often overlook the fact that
we each have had our own journeys up till now,
and we have all had very real experiences and
those experiences bring us to where we are.

So no.
I am not walking away from faith.
I am simply making my own way.
Call it unbiblical,
I’d love to hear your definition of that word anyway.

So….. please note,
this is not done in vain.
This is simply me allowing myself
to choose my own journey
and to realize that I can make my own decisions
and choices.
I’m finished allowing everyone else to do it for me.
It has done nothing except
make me super-dependent on people.
And as I always say,
“whatever melts your butter!”

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