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6 09 2012

This week,
I chose to take steps I thought would never
be taken.
I chose to brush back some cobwebs,
step out of the dark shadows
and slightly into the light.

Yesterday was a hard day
as I sent out a mass-email for prayers.
Prayers for strength and for
my heart
and the journey I am on.
Even with words of encouragement
pouring back into my love bucket,
seems like the more the love,
the quicker my bucket leaks out….

I woke up this morning feeling like
yesterday was nothing but a terrible
hurricane that I wanted over.
And today felt like only the remains of the blow
were left.
Feeling super beaten down
and exhausted.

Regretting that I had asked for prayers.
Regretting that I moved the cobwebs aside a little,
and regretting stepping into the light.
I feel kind of naked,
and my secrets are secrets no more.

Confession and coming clean is tough.
Especially when it is what has defined you
(that is, defined in my own mind)
mostly your whole life.
To speak out the lies against the truth
is such a tough battle.
But I hope that people continue to fight
with and for me,
because this is a pretty intense season,
and I pray that God shows up like never before.
I pray that I won’t feel stood up this time,
and that his love can come crashing into
the cave of my heart and set me free
like never before…

Moments of surrender won’t do anything.
I need a life-time of surrender,
and a life-time of clinging to Jesus,
but even that seems so hard right now…

Praying for grace like never before,
praying He opens my eyes for real,
praying for patience for all the times I will fall down,
and praying simply for a life of freedom.
As much as I fight it,
I know it is what I want.
And praying that no matter what,
I continue to push my feet forward
even if I fall down…
even if I feel naked and bare,
even if I feel like I can’t take another step,
I want to push forward to be free…

I just want
freaking freedom man……..

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