Twenty-five.

3 09 2012

For years I have been telling myself,
just make it to 25,
and that will be THE year.
Everything good will happen at 25
(or at least a lot of good).

No joke,
I think I am serious,
and that I was on to something.

My years have been nothing but a fight
and a war against myself.
There is not a whole lot to say,
except that it is what it is
believe me or not,
I know my heart and my life.
Yes,
good things have come and gone,
and there were good seasons
but my life as a whole,
as a summary,
has been a war since I was young.

But now,
I hear the sound of freedom
ringing…
I hear it in the distance.
My heart gets excited,
but so uncomfortable at the same time.
The light is getting bigger,
and brighter
and warmer
and more beautiful
and inviting.

The streams of light are
reaching out to me
wrapping their rays around me,
and the warmth is beginning to fill me up.

I turn 25 soon,
and it will be the mark of a new year.
The mark of surviving yet again.
But it will also be the mark of learning to
simply live.
Truly and fully live.
To be alive and not to merely survive and
breeze on through.

Sometimes my heart knows me better
than I think,
and I think I should start listening to my heart
a little bit better
and not allow other people to excuse what I think.

God is doing something people,
and it just might be the biggest,
painful
and most beautiful adventure that I will
go on.
But I am willing.
I have taken one of the hardest steps of my life
today,
and finally have been fully open and honest with
my life to the people
I believe needed to know.
And that my friends,
that is where my healing needed to begin….

God has been cracking
and breaking me for years now,
all just to get to this point in time.
And now I say…

Jesus, take it.
This is yours.
I have nothing left.
I am so done hiding
and running….
I have surrendered before,
but never have I surrendered
in this way.

Heal me….
show me what beauty can come
from these ashes.

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