1 09 2012

My relationships go in cycles.
Any relationship that begins to build,
and we begin to know each other
scratching deeper than the surface,

I tend to doubt.

My heart tends to freak out
and the enemy begins to speak.
He tells me they don’t really love me.
That I’m just a project.
That they’ll totally just turn and leave
just like the others before….
(whether that is what happened or not…)
He tells me that I gotta work hard.
Work hard to get their love
and work hard to keep their love

I give of myself easily.
Seeking for what I give others.
But the cycle is always the same.
I need to be affirmed in love.
I need to be reminded.
I am not as confident in believing
that I can be loved so well,
and I tend to forget.
Then I pull away,
and all sorts of different tensions
begin to be created.

And it’s all because I believe
the doubt that tends to be planted.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy really.

In my most vulnerable and raw moments
or when my bucket has leaked all the love out,
I have to ask if that love is true.
Is it real till the end?
Is it as deep as mine is for them?
Or is this just a one-sided thing
that I will eventually notice
and it will be gone.

I’m glad God puts really patient people
in my life who take notice
and are sensitive to my insecurities
and try and help grow me despite them.

Praying that this cycle will break this time around…

It doesn’t always have to be this way you know.




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