Here.

28 08 2012

It is in the cool of night,
as the crickets sing their songs,
as the breeze gently blows
and reminds me that a cooler season is near.
As the clouds splotch the sky and
I can see little glimmers of lights
Flicker here and there….
It is here…

As I sit on the roof
and let it out.
Breathe out the darkness within.
Breathe out the pain the questions,
the doubts.
I breathe out the tangled mess of a heart
that is nothing but an anchor
holding me down in the darkest pit.
I breathe out without a word being spoken,

Because He knows.

He knows my insecurities.
He knows why I am angry.
He knows those things that hurt so deeply
that seem to continually find their way to the
surface these days.
He knows why I can’t seem to talk when
it’s just the two of us surrounded by nothing
but the craftiness of His creations.
He knows how badly I want to love and be loved.
He knows my love-bucket is full of holes
and is constantly leaking.
He knows I want to fight Him.
He knows I want to kick and scream and run away.
He knows my doubts
my faults
my failures
my deep and dark secrets and sins.
He knows I want to trust.
He knows I want to know freedom and live in it.

He knows all of these things,
and yet He is still the same.
He is still pursuing,
even though I still run.
He is still loving me
even though I don’t deserve it.
He is still showing Himself to me
even as I ignore it.
He is still holding me,
even though I don’t feel it.
He is still listening,
even when I refuse to speak.
He is still guiding me,
even when I choose my own ways.
He is still light,
even in my darkness.

This journey is not being travelled in vain.
He has a purpose for this painful season,
He has something in store that I have no idea what it is.
I can never say that God is not good,
because He proves it over and over again.
It feels like a painful season right now,
but something whispers inside me and says that
this is good….
this is the way…
keep going…
keep fighting…
He knows…
keep breaking down those walls…
keep investing…
He knows…
keep putting your heart out there…
keep fighting…
He knows…
keep moving forward…
keep fighting…
He knows…
He knows…
He knows…

keep fighting… dear child.

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