27 08 2012

I love when I have moments that etch into my mind
of something that speaks deeply to my heart.
Today I had one.

I sat on a friend’s porch.
Afraid of so much.
Afraid to speak,
afraid to ask for a hug,
afraid to cry,
afraid to breathe out the things within that exhaust me.

And then I did it.

I took a deep breathe,
I cried tears as silent as possible,
I leaned in for that hug,
and I spoke my fear.
The inadequacy of who I am as a person and
inadequacy in making decisions.

We moved to the porch swing.
Oh how I love and long for good conversations
on someone’s porch swing.
I love the rhythm of
Swaying back and forth back and forth;
whether on a beautiful Sunday afternoon,
or late into the quiet night
as stars flicker in the sky and as
the crickets wait to sing their best songs at night.

We sat, and swayed back and forth
back and forth…
I shared numbers and thoughts in my mind and as they
came out in the form of words,
the reality of what I am doing
set in.
As I spoke the last number,
my heart cracked in a new way.
I caught her gaze and saw it in
those deep blue eyes
and it was in that moment
I knew,
she loved me.

More than I can see or realize.
and not for any other reason than
she loves me for me.
Whether broken or fixed,
through joy or my tears,
her love sits
silently and
trying to fill up my leaking love-bucket.

And it’s in moments like that
which help build me up
and plant small seeds of confidence within me.
When eyes pour out compassion
when I feel like its the last thing I deserve,
it gives me hope.

Two is always better than one.
Even though my one-man army fights it,
I know this is good.
I know God is building something here,
and I am trying hard to trust it.
I promise L, I will do all that I can not to burn it down….




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