25 08 2012

My heart is constantly a teeter-totter.
Weighing the scales of the past and present.
Weighing the lies against the truth.
Sometimes the truth seems so light,
and the lies sink low, deep down into
the core of my being.
They weigh this heart down.
I weigh the life of freedom to
the life of living in a prison,
afraid and driven by nothing but fear.
The enemy’s whispers seem so incredibly loud,
and my Abba’s love seems to come as rushing
yet my love-bucket is still full of holes.
It continually leaks the love that
is being poured in.
I am constantly feeling empty and
without love.

I am in the process of trying to find balance.
Trying to find the middle of the playing field.
Looking for the balance between healthy relationships.
Far too often I lose sight of the balance in
healthy friendships,
and I let myself go…
and end up so wounded.
Whether things were said and done intentionally or not,
this porcelain heart breaks easy.
Words speak deeply,
whether said with tenderness or boldness,
everything can hurt.
Words very slowly build me up,
but can cause the avalanche of my heart to fall.

I cannot wait till I am some-what normal
and healthy again.
My emotions are so out of whack,
my heart is shattered and jaded like never before.
I’m afraid of every step I take,
I feel completely on my own,
no matter who is standing around.

My one-man army….
Needs to go.
I am the only one holding myself back
from a life of freedom.
From a heart that wants to dream,
but feels too inadequate to hold anything
or accomplish a lot.

This is gonna be a long journey,
but I trust in His leading.
Whether He has ‘hardened’ my heart or not,
I will trust that He can soften it.
I want to shed this skin…




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