2 08 2012

I have had quite the spiritual journey. Haven’t we all?

I keep saying I don’t know what God is doing… but He’s doing something. I can begin to see it.
There’s a quiet voice in my heart saying… ‘ don’t be afraid, this is terrifying, but the end result will be beautiful.’

I know a lot of people can look at God as this mighty and loving Father. This King and Creator, a Savior, a friend and the Giver of all good things. Some people can see some aspects of God clearer than other aspects.

I haven’t been able to help but feel that God is just playing ping-pong with me. At the beginning of every new season, deep inside I think “this is great! Maybe this time I’ll find Him!” Only to walk out of that season feeling a little more marred and confused. Feeling a little more helpless than before but trying to hold my chin up …

I have had some pretty intense experiences from the charismatic side of Christianity as well as from the other side. I do not know what you call the other side. Some would say Calvinist some reformist; the name doesn’t even matter.

I feel like God still isn’t real to me. He is in the sense of existence, but… I just don’t know why I do not see Him as this super close and personal God like I should. I have had moments and times when I have felt that… but at the same time, I look back at my journey and feel like a conformist. I conform to whatever group I am involved in. Which can sometimes be the idea. I wrestled my way into both spectrums and wrestled my way out of both spectrums. And I continue to wrestle back and forth back and forth.

I have a feeling I am about to enter an intense battle between the two. Not that one is right over the other. Honestly, I feel like I can see and understand a lot of the reasonings between both sides because I have been involved long enough to have really intense debates and discussions about specific issues. But deep in my heart I’ve been searching for the middle.

To my believers, friends on both ends, (which I have many that stand to either side) I love you. I am afraid to share most of what is going on inside my heart, the specific issues and topics of conversations with people these days. I am afraid of judgement and that people will worry if I lean one way over the other.

We are all Jesus-loving people, and if we believe in the same foundation of what the gospel is, I think the rest can be what it is. We can agree/disagree on issues and I hope somehow find a middle ground for my own faith. We all travel our journeys to see what we believe and why. Though I thought I found that the last year, life continues on, and God continues to press these deep things inside of me. I just ask that I have full support in my wrestlings as I continue to search for the One who can fulfill all that my heart desires and more.

I know I have come to terms with so many people that it’s totally cool and okay to agree to disagree and we have continued to grow as a body, but this is still a journey of wrestling for me. God is still needing to work more in my heart… to learn His truths for my life deeper than they are. I trust His hand in my life, even when it has not led me to the places I have longed to go. He continues to do nothing but good in my life…

Lord Jesus, refine me through the fire…..





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