More.

27 06 2012

At work today, I had to step back and take a look at my heart.
And boy is it ugly right now.
I keep finding myself and pausing and thinking
‘who IS THIS GIRL?!’

My compassion is out the window.
My anger comes in rages like a flood.
My patience is totally nonexistent.
My mouth is filled with dirty language.
My mind thinks very hateful things towards so many people.
My thinking is not coming before my actions.
My feet are rushed.
My heart is so so hard and heavy.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week
‘That’s it! I’m totally done. I’m throwing in the towel.’
Or,
‘I’m seriously the WORST possible example of what the life
of a believer should look like.’

A couple of weeks ago I was totally fine.
But now,
I’m angry and absolutely bitter and feeling super hurt.

I’m shutting so many people out.
I just want to isolate myself and just be alone.
I don’t want to talk about anything
I don’t want to share anything
I don’t want to be told anything.

I have fallen into another cave of wrestling out my heart.
Fighting to understand,
fighting for confidence in Christ.
I have a teeny-tiny-itty-bitty-bit of hope left.

Hope that He will come through
(He always does you know),
Hope that His love is strong enough to penetrate
the stone cold areas of my soul.
Hope that He won’t give up.
Hope that He won’t allow my heart to fully harden
(sometimes I think it’s close).

The spiritual walk is full of ups and downs.
Now is a super-low time,
but the only way left is up.
The only place I have left to look
is towards Christ.

Kneeling at the foot of the cross
surrendering all this junk.
He promises life,
a life fulfilled.
A life of hope.
A life worth living…

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“I came that they may have life, and have it to it’s fullest.” John 10:10b

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