Close.

11 06 2012

I haven’t attended church in months and months. I go through these seasons of pushing and blocking people out.

I long for community but I do everything to stay away.

Community involves two things: relationship and pain. You open up and build relationships, but you also become vulnerable and can sometimes be left feeling pretty hurt.

Sometimes when you’ve been hurt so deep, it seems hard and impossible to recover. Especially when the pain comes from the forms that the healing should be in.

The body
His people
the church
sinners.

We are bound to hurt and disappoint each other. But my timid heart is afraid of opening myself. Becoming raw and vulnerable in front of others. Even my own family.

But last week I went to church. Alone. I wasn’t going to, but I did. I slipped in quietly hoping to go unnoticed and slip out quietly as well.

The sermon was okay, the worship familiar. My heart seemed far away, because I felt bad that I hadn’t been in church in a long time. I haven’t served or given to a body at all. It made me not want to be there.

But despite that, He still wants me. I have a hard time with that. I feel like the worst example of what a believer should be.

I do not follow through, and I don’t commit. That’s what this whole thing is about. Committing to Christ and following through with living a life of His example. Which is so hard.

I do not see God as a ‘close-these-are-the-details’ kind of God. I think of Him as this ‘high-majestic-mighty-and-super-powerful’ kind of God. With all that I carry and hold so tightly in my heart, I never want to expose or be vulnerable. Especially in front of a church. I was pretty raw at my last church in TX, but I think I am past that phase and am a little more stable.

As the sermon came to a close, they sang a super-old song. ‘He Knows My Name’. I sat there and tried to sing the words, but did not feel that my heart believed it. Does He know my name? Really? The details of who I am… the things that I carry and that make me into the being that I am. Does He really know why I hold back so much? Why I long for and shut down from the very thing I want and am commanded to do… being a part of a body?

As my lips quivered, I could hear him telling me He knows.
He knows me.
Inside and out.
The things that make me feel so broken
and the things that bring me so much joy.
He knows my insecurities and strengths.
He knows all of me…

Because He not only created me, but He lives in me.
He is a part of me.
All that comes from within, is from Him….

“…for He knows the secrets of the heart….” Psalm 44:21b

As I slipped out the door the moment church was over,
I left feeling that this far distant and powerful God
was so very close…

if only for a moment.

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