New Ink

23 03 2012

I am not huge into blogging these days. I guess I don’t have the time or energy, but that’s okay. There is a season for everything. Wanted to share my new ink with you and the meaning behind it. I think this tattoo is pretty self explanatory. There are a few reasons leading up to this tattoo. First off, it was definitely one of those “on the whim” tattoos. My first tattoo I had thought of since 7th grade and got it when I was 21, and then “tweeked” it right before I got it, and really, I should not have done that. ha. This time, I told my sister, my voice of reason “I want another tattoo.” She said “great. Lets go get it.” I was like… “really?!” And she said, “Sure.” So a few days later, I’m sitting in the parlor with the sweatiest armpits ever.

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The last year and a half, God has been teaching me a very hard lesson.

That He Is Enough.

Do I really think that? Do I really believe that with every breathe I take? With every new morning that he has so mercifully given me another day to live? Do I really believe that when my heart is spread across cities & towns, nations & countries hearts & people? Do I believe that when I feel so broken and alone? Do I believe that when I am with the people I love the most? Do I believe that on my greatest and worst of days? Do I believe that when I worship Jesus?

He. Is. Enough.

A year and a half ago, God made a drastic change in my testimony. He revealed himself to me in a way I’d never known before. You can read that story here. I had been living a mediocre Christian life-style, which honestly, if you think about it, that is not a true-believers life style. It is just a religious one; worthless. I was filling my life with drinking, destructive behaviors to myself, bad friends who did wrong things, and running as fast as I could from my past and Jesus.

But then I met these people. They are some of quite a few who challenged me in my walk. Who asked the hard questions, rebuked me and held me accountable. They spoke the gospel time after time again. One of the biggest lessons that they worked so hard and persistent to instill in me was that “Jesus is enough“. I didn’t like it when they said it. They told me that people will let me down, even the ones who love me so much, but still… Jesus is enough in those moments. He is what I want and so desperately need. I thought for the longest time that it was just a cop-out for if they ever let me down. And then they moved. I thought I had lost them, and to me, they let me down.

And I truly believe that God spoke to me very clearly on two different occasions through them, that He was what I needed. Even though life took them away from me, it was as clear as day, but so hard to take in. God has been challenging me with this lesson a lot lately. I have seen myself become weak in my faith, simply out of laziness. Kind of at a cross-roads of where I’m going next. I’ve been in the middle of living in different places and without stability, my faith waivers, and I hate that about myself. So without a ‘home’ and living in the ‘in between’ for the last 9 or so months; no real routine or purpose for anything; I felt like I literally needed a daily reminder. Something so obvious to hold myself and the way I am living my life accountable.

I want to know, from the very very core of who I am, that I am here to serve Jesus, and that he WILL fulfill my every need and deepest desires.

My greatest desire is to know that Jesus is enough; but my absolute greatest battle simple tells me that He is not enough… it’s a two sided coin.

So this is how I can approach my tattoo. From a worldly view, and from a believer’s view.

Worldly: I genuinely believe that God created each and every person with a hole inside of us. We were created to serve God and to bring glory to HIM with our lives. He did not create us because He was bored and had nothing else to do. He did not create us because He needed us. He created us because He CHOSE to. He created EVERYTHING out of NOTHING, not because He needed SOMETHING. He created us, chose to give us life, and He LOVES us, and what did we do? We rejected him. And sin comes into the world, and we live in a broken world…. I think God created everyone for Him, and until He calls us home, we all live with a certain emptiness inside. We are all trying to fill this void with something, anything. What we fill it with ranges from billions of different things from sex, money, cars, careers, families, drugs, alcohol, our appearance, our boyfriend, girlfriend etc etc. But after a life of chasing absolutely everything, I am realizing that nothing can fulfill me like Christ does. That doesn’t mean that “I got it” and now I’m awesome. No, I have to fight with my flesh on this DAILY. I constantly want to run and chase all these other things, but I know deep down that it is Jesus that I need. I desperately need him.

As a believer: I think many Christians are “Christians”, but don’t live like a true believer. They get caught up in “slapping Jesus stickers” as I like to call it, onto all these different things. They are playing the religious game. I know it, cause I did it. The mediocrity. It’s a dangerous game to play. Take a look at Matthew 7:21-23 We need to be constantly in check that we aren’t running and pursuing all these “religious” things, and not running after Jesus! People get caught up in ministries and numbers and the prosperity gospel, that they forget the TRUE gospel! The one that speaks of our evil hearts, and how deceitful they are! For so so so long, I lived so blindly to the gospel, until Jesus truly opened my eyes. I could never be so grateful, and I wanted this tattoo so that I could be reminded what I did not want to fall back into. I never want to go back to the “religious” games and waste my life… Some people make a funny laugh when they see my tattoo and don’t understand why I want that written on my arm in permanent ink. But I don’t think people truly understand my heart when they see it. It may be cliche and dorky. But honestly, i don’t care. I know that “above all else, the heart is decietfully wicked”, and that my flesh continues to battle my spirit, and tell me that Jesus isn’t enough. That I want all this STUFF that the American Dream is all about. That I need the newest gadget, and a family and kids and a husband with a great career or ministry…. but really if I don’t have Jesus and have all those things. I have absolutely nothing. I want to learn this life-long process of what it truly means to live a life knowing that Jesus is enough. That He is all that I need in this life… I know that this post is kind of sporadic and everywhere, and I hope it makes sense, and if not, my apologies.

Just remember: while you’re out there living your incredibly- temporary life, chasing careers, people, relationships, substances, families, identities… really anything that will fill that void that we all have in our hearts… remember that it is all so very fleeting, but Jesus is the answer. He had no beginning and will have no end. He has always been. He will never die. And for that reason, He truly should be enough in your life.

I’ve had a few smart remarks and ‘that’s stupid’ when people have asked to see it; (even Christians have done this) honestly, that’s cool. ha! I know what I’m living for! A life not being lived for Jesus is no life at all! I came to such a week point, I literally had to have it written, clear as freaking day on my arm, to remind myself the battle I am in, the God that I serve, and had to know why I was not going to give up this time!

And I’ll end with a quote for those who fall off the wagon of faith & lose heart & forget that we are told to persevere! “It is hard to bear with people who stand still along the way, lose heart and seek their happiness in little pleasures which they cling to…you feel sad about all that self-indulgence & self-satisfaction, for you know with an indestructible certainty that something greater is coming…’ -Henri Nouwen Luke 9:25 ‘What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self [soul]?” This was from the book Crazy Love.

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