I struggle.

16 02 2012

I struggle right now to separate the truth from the lies.

Sometimes it is so easy to distinguish between them.
And sometimes it isn’t.

I do believe that it is my fault. I haven’t been in the Word; reading and soaking in the real truth. I haven’t allowed it to penetrate my heart lately. And in these times that I tend to lack my pursuit of the truth, the enemy knows just how exactly to plant lies in my head.Typical lies like:

You’re alone.
You’ll never be good enough.
You’ll never get married.
If you ever get married; it won’t last.
You’ll be a crappy mom.
You’re never going to be anything more than a waitress.
You’re a quitter.

But the one I struggle with the most is the lie

“One-man army”.

I remember very specifically when I first heard this lie in my head, or I told it to myself.

I was in third grade and my friends had been making fun of me for being little. Yes, it is quite obvious for those that know me; I am 24 and I barely can claim that I am 4’10 and 1/2. That half is highly important to me. ha. Anyway, I had come home from another day of being made fun of, and I was crying to my mom and she simply responded “What did you do to deserve being made fun of?” ….. what? It was in that very moment; that very vulnerable and sensitive moment that I realized “This lady isn’t on my side. I’m on my own. I will never trust her.” And by those words I have lived.

All growing up, I did not feel like my parents were on my side. My mom beat the crap out of me. She spoke some pretty hateful things that I wish to forget, but echo in my mind as if it happened two minutes ago. My dad never did any of those things. He just wasn’t really around. He traveled most of my childhood. Even though now as an adult; I know that my dad would have done something if He had known. But, as a child, I lived in fear. Fear that one day he might snap and take me out like my mom did.

I live life at arms-length. But I know I shouldn’t. My heart quickly falls in love with people. I need people. But, I also get hurt so easily. I’m too sensitive. People come and go, and with each person that goes… it hurts. I wish people could know me in a deeper way, and know that I care far more than any normal person. I care a lot about people. I may not show it, or act like it, but I do.

Right now I’m in a vulnerable place. Right now I want to push everyone out and say no! You can’t come in. You can’t see this mess. The broken pieces are everywhere!

When I decide to take control of my life.

It breaks.

And that is where I am. Sitting in the midst of a very broken heart. Thinking I knew what was best, and my only fight is to just be alone. To disappear for a little while until I can figure this out, or until I allow Jesus to fix it.

So when my pride goes down, and I humble myself before the King. I may let you back in. But until then, I think now is a time for me to blog for myself. To blog about things I wish I could, but afraid of who might read it.

This is my space after all.

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