Right Now:

12 02 2012

I struggle to find purpose and meaning in life.
Here I am, in a new town again. A familiar and former town of residence. But new nonetheless because I have nothing established here. As I get older I feel like I am still at a lack of purpose or meaning with life. I am not quite sure how to really discover it. I understand that the Bible states that we must

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 28:19

And while I fully believe and hope to truly embrace and apply this to my life; I feel that God has a specific way in which we all are to do this. We are all so unique and work so differently. We have different hobbies and ways that we connect.

I so desperately want to know how it is that I can do this. I can try and carry this out in my job, which I do; by word and how I act. But there needs to be more than just holding my tongue, and anger in the times that I want to allow my flesh to rule over me. There has to be more than just treating others with kindness no matter how rude and mean. There has got to be more than just trying to trust the Lord and be thankful when people do not tip.

My heart and my body itch to actually do something with my life. I am so tired of just sitting around and doing nothing. I mean I work 6 days a week, but it is not even a ‘career’ job. At least I hope it does not become one.

I see my heart in another world; a world that looks so promising and beautiful even among the mess and chaos. I hope that one day the Lord will allow my feet to take a step into that world. To walk down the aisle to my best friend; to learn and grow with someone by my side. To love deeper than I have ever allowed my heart to love. To be able to fully open my heart to another; yes, I long for that. I long to share the deep things within that no one yet knows about me. There are a handful of people who know me deeply, but there’s always more to a person. Therefore, I hold many pieces of my heart inside, and hope to give them to a man who will be able to hold them dearly as well.

I hope that the Lord will allow my feet to touch and step onto the path of motherhood. To hold babes that come from my own flesh and from the flesh of the man I will one day love. To love a babe in ways I never felt. To nourish. I pray earnestly that the Lord will give me an abundance of grace when/if I am able to walk into this season one day. For I am; a daughter with two sets of parents. The first gave me away, and the second were not perfect. I am a daughter that doesn’t remember being hugged until I graduated high school. Who doesn’t remember being told that I was doing great and they were proud of me until I graduated high school. All the milestones on the way must’ve not been good enough. I’m a daughter who was never tucked in bed with goodnight hugs and kisses and who hid in my room to stay away from the big flying arms of anger. I am a daughter who played outside all the time and dreamed of ‘running away’ every possible moment. All these things that I lack inside me; that keep me feeling completely void and empty, do not make me who I am. But they would have been little glimpses of love and tenderness that this heart needed. I know when (if) I become a mama, I will not be perfect. I will probably scream and cry and say hurtful things. But I have learned that even parents can ask forgiveness because the Lord has forgiven us. Not that they can, but they must. The Lord is opening my eyes to sin that our society seems to overlook; it is hard to stare this sin in the face, but I am thankful nonetheless. I pray that the Lord’s tenderness in those moments will continue to come. That His mercy will continue to flow on this ever-growing-and-incredibly-lost-sinner.

My heart is longing for the future
But I need to be present here.

The Lord can give me purpose even if I am single with no college degree. I just pray some doors might open, but honestly; I do not even know where to begin. It is a lonely road to be walking, but I believe He makes a way for the wandering souls out there. And I must believe that the small glimpses of light that my heart catches will continue to come….

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