Apathy, excuse the soap-box.

10 01 2012

(This post is super-long and random.)

I got off work super early today. Thankful that I made some pocket change. I tend to focus on how much more I need. I just paid $157 on student loans on Friday, then received a bill the other day for $71.00 and received two today; one for $467.00 and one for $701.00. For real?

Therefore, my world is being run by the mundane life. The day in and day out of just trying to keep my head above water as I need to pay all this school debt off; six years of stress and (somewhat) hard work, with no degree to show for it. Six years of friendships in different cities. Six years of trials that typical young college people go through. Six years of many tears and wandering lonely roads as I search for answers and truth and the meaning to life. Six years of walking through a wilderness… and through that wilderness, my last year was the most stretching. Juggling 24 credit-hours (and however only 12 would be accounted for), working 30 hours a week and fighting the depths of my soul in a very real spiritual battle of salvation. Oh how I would not have traded those six years of wandering, and especially that last years super intense battle for anything. Now that I am where I am. I had to go through that. I had to walk through that in order to get to this rich season. I now have six years of seeing the Lord’s hand and faithfulness and absolute and utter grace poured out endlessly over my life. Time and time again, He was just wooing me to Him, it just took some time for my eyes and heart to be open and receptive.

But now, I have to choose to continue to believe and fight even though the battle for my soul has been won. Christ has saved me, and given me new life! What an incredible joy that is! I sometimes wondered how Christians could be so joy-less and passion-less when they had been saved, and they have the greatest person fighting for and with them. He has given everything we need if we would just stop being lazy and apathetic and take our focus off of ourselves and onto Christ! If we would only read His Word; the truth! If only we could read those words and have them contineously sink deeper and deeper into the core of our being… letting it be the truth that is pulsing through our veins and truly being the beat in our hearts. His truth brings life, and far too often we forget and don’t care. I forget.

And here I am. A believer. Apathetic. Lazy. Bored.

I get caught up on how my life should look. How I thought it would look at this age. I would be either engaged (not married, that is age 25) and planning for a wedding. I would also somehow be on the mission field in some way. Either already packed up and gone or in the process of packing up. I thought I’d be living in some crazy little hut in the bush of Africa or do some type of mission work where I had very little to live off of, cause that is what super-Christians do right?

Hmmmm. No.

Somehow, somewhere, I think as children, we think super Christians are the ones who surrender their lives completely and head off to other countries and help poor people. Or they go off to some seminary and become some sort of pastor.

But God hasn’t called me to either of those. It was quite clear during those four day sin the bush of Africa; I am not called to live in a little hut for the rest of my life. I highly respect and definitely admire those who are called to that way of life. And those who actually do it. I am by no means bashing missionaries or pastors. We are the body, and we all make up very unique and different parts of the body. I am all for it! As long as the gospel is being shared; that is, every part of the gospel. Not just the ‘let-me-make-you-feel-good-that-someone-loves-you-and-has-plans-like-Jeremiah-29:11’ but also sharing that we are born sinners. We are born with an evil in our hearts, and that we.are.no.good.without.Christ. Yes, if that is being shared I am for it! And if discipleship is happening, and leaders are raising up the younger generation, you bet I am for that. I just so long for the day when God’s glory completely floods this earth. I have no idea how that will look. Seems like his glory and wrath will all be intertwined… my thoughts just simply cannot begin to fathom that day… anyway…

What has He ‘called’ me to? I have no stinking idea. I have been asking for years, for some sort of clarity. Some sort of passion or love for some cause or people group or something; anything! But that is also something else I think we as young people get caught up in as well. It is how we are taught. Maybe not all church-kids, but a lot of us. We have been taught/ continue to teach kids to ‘listen to God’s voice. What’s your calling? What’s your gift? Where are you going to serve? What ministry will you be a part of? How much money will you give?

It is all about us and what we will do. I think we need direction and goals in our lives for sure. That is one area I lack big time. I am not a very determined or goal oriented or even motivated type of person. I float more on the apathetic boat. Whatever comes my way, whatever door opens without me having to life a finger is the one I’ll choose.

But I think we need to stop looking high and low for our calling. I think our calling as a believer is quite clear and simple.

And Jesus came and said to them, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the ends of the age.” Matthew 28:18-20

That’s it! We all have a calling. Those of us who Jesus has saved. Those of us who claim to be believers, but tend to float down the mediocre stream. We will be judged one day, and we will be weighed justly. I think we spend so much time searching and trying to hear some ‘special’ calling and… well I think this is quite huge! Granted, I think God definitely specifies our calling into categories such as pastors, missionaries, worship pastors, teachers, children’s ministers etc.

But this is the bottom line of each of those callings. You do not have to be a person in one of the above categories. He calls any and every believer to do this! That means students, moms, dads, garbage truck drivers, nannys, servers, bank tellers etc.

I think when you choose to look at Christ, He will make those paths clear.

I was challenged the other day by a friend of mine in high school. I lived with his family after I graduated high school for a summer. For almost six years I spend many holidays with them and made many trips to go back and see them. I have grown to love these four kids deeply as my own siblings. The oldest kid is in high school, my buddy Carson. He is in high school and has a passion to be serving the Lord and allowing Christ to have the glory for all the blessings and even the hard times in his life. It is so incredibly refreshing and challenging seeing his faith and how passionate he is about sharing it! The other day he said this… “I’m sick of everybody bein so down all the time! Honestly it shows just where God is in your life… Because if youre constantly complaining, or worrying, or bein negative all the time, obviously God’s not in the highest place he deserves in your life. Yeah I know crap happens…But seriously if Christ is truly your life, then NOTHING should bring you down b/c you can always rejoice in the facet that youre saved by a loving King. So while everybody else is worrying, complaining, and bitter, I’m gonna rejoice, cuz I know just who my God is, regardless of circumstances. **Psalm 146***”

Man! if that doesn’t challenge you, then I don’t know what will! God has been rocking my boat of apathy quite a bit lately, and He definitely did when I read this. The last month and a half I decided to sail away on this boat simply out of frustration. Frustration that I just want some answers. For some reason I felt (still sometimes feel) like I deserve them. I need them. I want closure. I want to be fixed, healed, whatever. I sorta-kinda gave up. I threw in the towel and hailed my white flag of surrender, and that only made things worse. It only drew me deeper and deeper into the waters of sin and disbelief.

Uhhh, self-centered? Just a tad bit. Melodramatic? Why yes, yes indeed. I can be good at that.

I shifted my focus. I took my eyes off of Christ and focused on what hurt inside. But Christ asks us to fix our eyes on Him! And HE will make our paths straight! If I would stop trying so hard to figure out what I will be doing in the future; what to do this summer, or if I need a new job, or what to do to make more money, or find a man, cause that’ll surely make me happy; or find some sort of far-off ministry to jump into because doing what I’m doing is nothing… if I would just stop thinking these things and just… go back to the basics; truth, I think my life would be far less stressful and have a lot more purpose and meaning.

I am in desperate need of a reminder of the basics:

-God has saved me. What an incredibly amazing thing! Seriously!
-I need to root my heart back into the soil of thanksgiving.
My life is a gift. His son was given to save my life; that is a gift. Every breathe I take is an undeserved gift of grace.
-He has given everything I need to endure this life through the Holy Spirit and the Word.
-I do have a calling on my life! he calls me to bring Him all the glory and to be a vessel willing to be a light and help bring lost people to His kingdom! It can only happen through Christ!

I love that when I go through hardships now, rather than a year ago, I am quicker at realizing what is going on. I know a little better how my heart works. My weak points; my triggers and the places that are too slippery to walk. I know what makes me want to instantly give up and quit. All my life I have been a quitter. Sports, music, friendships-anything really, I just quit. I rarely could be in anything for more than a year. I gave up really easily. Not only that, but then I just run. I quit and then get angry (another big sinful habit) that I quit, and run our of anger, frustration. I give up so easily, but that is why I am loving this book called ‘Relentless’ by John Bevere. I am being challenged to persevere. To run the race, and run it well!

Even though I feel like I already quite over a month ago… Christ is once again saying to me… Talitha Koum… get up… little girl GET UP! Step out of that sinking boat of apathy and follow me. As soon as you stand, look at ME, and nowhere else. When your eyes are fixed on me, I will guide you. Learn to trust Me… believe Me. Do not allow the whirlwinds of doubt, confusion or fear affect you. You are mind, and I will guide you… but you have got to choose to look at me, no matter the cost…

Talitha Koum…Talitha Koum…

And I respond with a shaky, yes. Yes. I will get up, and I will choose to look at Christ. Even though right now it hurts. It hurts to look at the cross because the tears of shame sting as they run down. The first of sin is the stinch that surrounds me… I am covered in it. The wounds that selfishness and bitterness are gaping open. The sleepless nights of un-forgiveness and bitterness are the dark shadows under my eyes… and I drag my beaten down and broken heart on the ground behind me…

But… yes, I may have caused all these things, but one step towards Christ and He can wash it all away. He catches those tears in his scars, and I am reminded He took all of this. All of this junk that I carry into the shadows of the cross; He has already taken it. All of this that I continue to meddle in even when I know it is wrong, He took… And yet,

He still believes in me.
He still chose me.
He still wants me.
He still loves me.

And…

I. Am. Still. His.

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One response

22 03 2012
danohlerking

it isn’t about my dreams. it’s about God’s heart and his plan for my life. and the less i pursue my dreams and instead pursue JESUS, the more i’ll be able to fulfill what God made me to do. i don’t need ambition. i need to learn to hear God’s voice, then relentlessly obey him.

great post.

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